missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Why I Choose This Life

I was recently asked what it was about humiliation that turned me on and why should my Dom always come first. It was asked by someone who is trying to find their way through this crazy life. I felt that the answer needed more attention than a comment reply would allow.

The comment was about my post “She Had Forgotten“. First, I want to begin by explaining my writing. That particular story was categorized as Fact and/or Fiction. That category can be one or the other and can be a mixture of both. I have decided that I won’t share what actually happened and what just comes from my warped, depraved and very active imagination. It will be up to the reader to decide what they want to be true.

The Second thing I would like to address is the question about humiliation. I am absolutely NOT a fan of humiliation. It doesn’t turn me on in any way and I think it is mean, insensitive, unnecessary and just plain cruel. However, if you are referring to the part of that story where Sir coats her in a golden shower or has her kneel at his feet while he washes himself above her, then you need to know that I don’t identify that as humiliation. To me, humiliation would be if Sir decided to publicly make fun of the stretch marks on my belly, left from birthing his children. If he pushed me in the shower, forced me to kneel, coated me with a golden shower and forced me to remain there while he cleaned himself, I would find that to be an AMAZING expression of his love, devotion and ownership of me. Calling me a bitch, whore or slut during our sexual interactions is arousing. Calling me a stupid bitch in the grocery store would get him a swift kick in the nuts. Slapping me across the face as he reaches his body wracking orgasm is EXQUISIT! Slapping me across the face because he is pissed off is a sure fire way to get his ass shot. (And I have a VERY GOOD aim.) So, I think humiliation means different things to different people.

Finally, let me answer the question why should my Dom come first always and ever. He doesn’t. That is the simple answer. There is SO much life outside of our sexual exploits where his needs often come last. We have lived a majority of our married life as what most would consider a “vanilla” couple. We always had good sex, sometimes even GREAT sex, on a semi-regular basis with occasional mild kink thrown in to add a little spice. But NEVER too much spice. Oral sex, occasionally. Sex toys, sometimes. Anal sex, bondage, golden showers, cum on my face, multiple partners, pain…NEVER GOING HAPPEN! I came from a reserved, religious and repressed family. I know my parents had sex 3 times, producing me and my two siblings, but I am pretty sure that was it. There was no public affection, no kissing, no hugging, and no hand-holding of any kind. So many things in life were identified as “icky” like alcohol, PDA and of course, sex. So, my husband lived the life I wanted us to live for a VERY long time.

I had always been a people pleaser. I was a good mom, not the best ever, but I worked pretty damn hard to make sure my kids had everything they needed and wanted. I worked on committees, charities, and said yes to every bake sale and fundraiser for every school activity, club and sport they belonged to. I baked cookies for my husband’s work, embroidered logos and attended all politically correct events as the dutifully presented little wife. I jumped every time a family member needed anything. I was the friend that everyone called when they needed help. I was the “Good Girl” but I was unhappy and confused because I didn’t EVER get to decide what made ME happy.

Sir would probably laugh at the thought of me being unhappy about not getting to decide, because he would remember it as me making ALL the decisions. And he would be correct too. I ran the house, the kids, the money, the schedule, and absolutely EVERYTHING else. I compared life to driving a bus, I was ALWAYS DRIVING THE FUCKING BUS! And it was absolutely going to kill me.

Over the past several years, I had begun to change. I began to look at myself and what I wanted out of life. Our sex life had begun to pick up. We were making more time for us. The kids were older and we decided to start dating again. It was really nice. During this time, we had a friend that visited and confided in me about this lifestyle he was living. It was called BDSM and he described how his role as a Dominant worked and how her role as a submissive worked. My first reaction was “Good for you, but that shit will NEVER happen in this house.” After he left, I began thinking about what he had said. It rolled over and over in my head. I was so confused by the thought, yet somehow, the idea of it began to make sense and gave me a calming that I had never experienced before. Sir and I began discussing it in almost excruciating detail. I told him what I thought. He told me what he thought. We rehashed every nuance, discovering new things about each other and ourselves with every conversation. I told him my feeling about “driving the bus”. It was like a mountain had been removed from my shoulders when he so lovingly took the keys and told me that HE would be driving from now on.

So now, He has taken the lead and I choose to kneel at his feet and answer his demands. Not because I HAVE TO, but because I NEED TO. I truly enjoy the pleasure/pain/ punishment/ of our sex life. He truly enjoys the fight/adrenaline/submission/control of our intimate times. My husband and I are equals on every level and in every way. The love we share is the kind of love that fairytales and classic romances are written about. He doesn’t come first because he demands it. He comes first because he doesn’t.

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25 thoughts on “Why I Choose This Life

  1. Beautiful!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Annie B on said:

    Absofuckinlutely wonderful! This, right here, is why we are drawn to each other. We are no bullshit girls in love with our men and arrived at a place where the next logical, spiritual and sexual step was total surrender to our true, primal selves.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Annie B on said:

      Though I confess humiliation of any kind – sexual or otherwise would not bode well for anyone in this relationship 😊

      Liked by 2 people

      • I use to think that too, but now I find that I am a bit of a pain whore. Don’t know where it came from, don’t know how long it will last, but DAMN, I am going to enjoy it NOW! Besides, I had to do something to keep my cellular minutes down. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • Annie B on said:

        LMAO. To many triggers in that area for both of us. It was never in the table. Pain is a different story altogether ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

    • I had NO IDEA what I was looking for, until I found it and now, I will NEVER let it go.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Annie B on said:

        We were headed this way organically but the open dialogue 50 shades brought about put a name to what we wanted going forward – we tried the formality but it did not work for us. So we kept playing, communicating and reworking until we found what did.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Did you read my diary? How did you know EXACTLY how it happened for us? The completely formal doesn’t work in this house either, I am WAY to much of a smart ass for that to be successful. We are writing our own script for how it is to be done. For instance, I usually refer to him as Sir, unless Asshole is more appropriate for the occasion. That would never be considered a “Formal D/s Arrangement”. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh, so wonderful, Amelia!! Very similar pathways and to have found community here is unbelievable. Thank you for sharing!

    Kay💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Unbelievable is truly an understatement. I felt so alone, confused, and uninformed. I didn’t know where to turn. Our friend suggested I start reading some blogs, so I did. In fact, yours was one of the very first. I realized that I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t crazy and I didn’t have to fit any one particular mold because this community is peppered with such a variety of special people, arrangements, relationships and acceptance. This medium, along with my heart, my world, my Sir, have made me a more complete and happy person. Thank you for your wonderful comments and for helping to give me the faith to leap. It’s been an AMAZING free fall ever since.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The only thing fitting into a mold around here is jello. It’s not the only thing that jiggles, though. 😜

        I’m humbled my blog had a place in your journey and I’m thrilled that yours is a part of mine! We share a similar path, one of foundational love and the willingness to be vulnerable and free, finally our true selves….never to go back.

        I agree, humiliation is relies rice k the individual and relationship. For me, the sort that belittles is not on the table. It would truly hurt me, the lasting kind.

        Now pain…that’s another story all together. The awakening of my spirit, the fire, the challenge and trust and…..I could go on and on. Same with bondage/restraint, especially rope. Wow. What a ride, this journey is. No….free fall. You said it best.

        Kay💜

        Liked by 1 person

      • I am NOT a person that would ever jump out of a perfectly good airplane, even if I had a dozen of the very best parachutes in the world wrapped around my body. But, I happily jump into the free fall of this journey, because the only parachute I need is the love of my Sir. With that, I KNOW I am safe. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I love the way you describe your journey. It really is a personal and intimate thing that not everyone will understand. Thank you for sharing! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the beautiful compliment. I know there are people who won’t understand why we have chosen to live this way. Hell, I don’t always completely understand it, but I COMPLETELY Feel it, deep into my bones. It feeds me, fuels me, consumes me and thrills me everyday. There are only two people on this entire planet that really have to understand our journey, and we are holding on tight and enjoying the ride together. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is similar to how we shifted as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. BallsyBilly on said:

    Exact a mundo, equal on the outside, wild and kinky on the inside. I’m happy that you and your sir arrived and are embracing the lifestyle. It can only let to bigger and better.
    You go you two. Tear it up.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions.
    I still can’t quite wrap my head around it but I understand it’s probably because of the journey you have taken and I haven’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there.
    There are a lot of triggers for me but I can’t deny that there’s something that calls to me in parts of the dynamic that is involved in D/s relationship. I don’t even know that my partner identifies as a dominant. I haven’t had the guts yet to discuss this with him yet. Maybe when our lives have somewhat settled down and it’s a little bit more serene.
    I guess the turmoil has pushed me to look deeper into how I see myself, figure out who I truly am… Anyway won’t derail your page.
    Thank you again for your time and words 🙂

    Like

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