Defining Dominance and submission

    

I am happy to post something written by a friend of mine, Pienso En Ti.  I really liked what he had to say.  I hope you enjoy it too.

Defining Dominance and submission
One of the biggest barriers to understanding Dominants and submissives is the insistence they can somehow be defined, that is adequately described with words in a paragraph or bullets in a list.  Every Dominant and submissive has his/her own way, his/her own preferences, needs, impulses, manner of interacting.  Some might say degradation is a hard limit but even in that there is abundant ambiguity.  Is eating from a dog bowl degrading?  Wearing a leash?  Proudly showing off a beautiful sub’s body online?  The hard limit line will be drawn in a different portion of the sand by every submissive and/or Dominant.  This particular hard limit is one of a thousand similarly variable decisions applying to the D/s world.  A general definition of Dominants and submissives simply cannot be adequately penned using one person’s perspective (or even a group opinion), yet it seems to be such a common objective.  The internet overflows with “A Dominant is…” posts.

Left to themselves, these posts are harmless, nothing more than a declaration by one person with similarly-minded folks reposting.  Problem is, everything on the internet is the gospel, right? Nearly every neophyte submissive I’ve met begins with the internet definitions to help her understand first whether or not she is a submissive (mistake #1), how good submissives normally behave (mistake #2), and how good Dominants interact with submissives (mistake #3).  They then go on to gauge their progress as budding submissives and the progress of their budding D/s relationship, judging both poorly if somehow they don’t stand up well to the definitions they’ve poured through (mistakes #4 and #5).  These neophytes predictably find disappointment, in themselves, in their Dominant partner and in their D/s relationship because “He (or she) isn’t doing it right”.  In time they might learn their own colors, and the true colors of their Dominant and comfortably adjust their way into a D/s life they find truly their own.  Others though do not.

I know a natural submissive who insists she’s not because she’s not like the typical online submissive she reads about. She’s tormented because everything inside her screams “submissive” while outside definitions say she’s not.  It causes her great confusion when she’s around me because she involuntarily, instinctively assumes a very submissive demeanor, never realizing it until some point later when I’m using it in an argument to illustrate her submissiveness to her.
“I didn’t do that.”
“You most certainly did and you didn’t even realize it.”
“Really?”

“Really.”

One might argue everyone needs to go through these growing pains, but I disagree.  Much of the growing pains are a result of expectations based upon internet definitions, definitions the D/s community seems so anxious to create.  If we would only create our own definitions, applicable only to us, and not feel compelled to share it with the rest of the world, others entering the D/s sphere might more quickly realize our colors are all different, and relax some until they find their own palette.  It might also help observers outside of the D/s sphere categorize us less rigidly.

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