The Dissection of Me
Empty, depleted, used, discarded, forgotten, unworthy, incomplete.
Why do I allow myself to feel this? Why does my mind and heart fall into this despair?
Everyone says they love me. Everyone tells me I am important. Why does it feel like everyone lies?
Sadness is universal. I don’t care who you are, EVERYONE has felt small and hopeless. You might not use those words to describe how you felt, but you have felt that none the less. I have battled my entire life to feel like enough. I could give you a list of the people and reasons that have made me feel like I am less than deserving, but the truth is, I am the one who has done the most damage to myself.
I have found myself analyzing, dissecting and diagramming my need to self-deprecate. I still don’t have all the answers, but I have come to a few conclusions. I know I am a good person, but to me, good isn’t enough. I’m not perfect. Yes, I know, who is? I completely understand that, and I don’t expect perfection from anyone, but me. Everything I do, say, or undertake never leaves me completely satisfied. No matter how much everyone else LOVES it, I could give you a list of 20 things I could have done better, or more.
I love with my whole heart and soul, but never feel worthy of receiving. In my most basic and primal role as a mother, I would cut off both my arms if it meant my kids would never feel pain. But I always feel I fall short of providing them with the life I want them to have. There is never enough money, time or energy to give all I want to give. When my daughter just sweetly thanked me for all I did on our recent trip to her state competition, I couldn’t stop my head from thinking, “Oh, you don’t have to thank me. I didn’t do enough to deserve such a sweet thank you. I just did what I had to do…take two days off of work, drive across the state with 20 teens, shuttle back and forth between competitions, purchase cupcakes and goodies for the two that celebrated their birthdays on the trip, make a midnight run to Wal-mart for the girls that didn’t plan for their monthly visitor, make a travel pillow for every kid with the state theme and their names embroidered on it.” I can read that, and logically know I did do enough, but my heart still feels like it could have been more. Why?
My head spins and spins and spins. I have everything about my life, my kids, my husband, my work, my friends, my family and every possible combination swirling ALL THE TIME! I can never find a moment of peace and quiet, even in complete silence…EXCEPT when I am submitting. And even then it can be difficult to let go.
People have asked why I would choose to submit, and this is the EXACT reason why. For even a brief moment, I am OK and my mind quiet. And for those brief moments, I am enough.