missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

The Dissection of Me

Blog Post-4-10-2016-The Dissection of Me 1

Empty, depleted, used, discarded, forgotten, unworthy, incomplete.

Why do I allow myself to feel this?  Why does my mind and heart fall into this despair?

Everyone says they love me.  Everyone tells me I am important.  Why does it feel like everyone lies?

Sadness is universal.  I don’t care who you are, EVERYONE has felt small and hopeless.  You might not use those words to describe how you felt, but you have felt that none the less.  I have battled my entire life to feel like enough.  I could give you a list of the people and reasons that have made me feel like I am less than deserving, but the truth is, I am the one who has done the most damage to myself.

I have found myself analyzing, dissecting and diagramming my need to self-deprecate.  I still don’t have all the answers, but I have come to a few conclusions.  I know I am a good person, but to me, good isn’t enough.  I’m not perfect.  Yes, I know, who is?  I completely understand that, and I don’t expect perfection from anyone, but me.  Everything I do, say, or undertake never leaves me completely satisfied.  No matter how much everyone else LOVES it, I could give you a list of 20 things I could have done better, or more.

I love with my whole heart and soul, but never feel worthy of receiving.  In my most basic and primal role as a mother, I would cut off both my arms if it meant my kids would never feel pain.  But I always feel I fall short of providing them with the life I want them to have.  There is never enough money, time or energy to give all I want to give.  When my daughter just sweetly thanked me for all I did on our recent trip to her state competition, I couldn’t stop my head from thinking, “Oh, you don’t have to thank me.  I didn’t do enough to deserve such a sweet thank you.  I just did what I had to do…take two days off of work, drive across the state with 20 teens, shuttle back and forth between competitions, purchase cupcakes and goodies for the two that celebrated their birthdays on the trip, make a midnight run to Wal-mart for the girls that didn’t plan for their monthly visitor, make a travel pillow for every kid with the state theme and their names embroidered on it.”  I can read that, and logically know I did do enough, but my heart still feels like it could have been more.  Why?

My head spins and spins and spins.  I have everything about my life, my kids, my husband, my work, my friends, my family and every possible combination swirling ALL THE TIME!  I can never find a moment of peace and quiet, even in complete silence…EXCEPT when I am submitting.  And even then it can be difficult to let go.

People have asked why I would choose to submit, and this is the EXACT reason why.  For even a brief moment, I am OK and my mind quiet.  And for those brief moments, I am enough.

Blog Post-4-10-2016-The Dissection of Me 2

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47 thoughts on “The Dissection of Me

  1. Perhaps media, and certainly social media, contributes to this never ending vortex of “not good enough” that so many of us get sucked into. I know despite all the reasons Mr. HH gives me for being perfect for him and our kids, I still wish I could be more. Smarter, more selfless, kinder…really a paragon of virtue. Submission offers me a respite from the spinning thoughts and self defeating talk in my head. Thankfully we have that option.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes Ma’am, thankfully we do. I know I am a good wife, mother and friend, but I still can’t seem to do enough to make me happy. Everyone else is, so I am currently working on adding me to that group. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. It really does help to know that I am not alone in this. Although, I truly wish I was, because I hate the thought of anyone else having to feel this too. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand feeling like you describe. There are parts of my life where I never feel I am enough, did enough… generally just not good enough… feeling unworthy and dissecting my every move and every decision.

    At the times I feel like this (and lots of times I don’t), I write. And I’ve found that it’s my escape and it takes all the crap in my head and hides it somewhere… at least for a while.

    And there are parts of my life where I know I’m amazing. But that didn’t come easily for me.

    I don’t think we ever feel like we’ve done enough for our children. I have come to accept that and as long as I know and they know I’m doing my best, I’m okay.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I know I have done well by my children. They will hopefully have very fond memories of their childhoods. It is ME that feels like I wish I could have done more. Take Pintrest, for instance. That place has all these AMAZING things and ideas on what you can do. I want to do them ALL, but who has that amount of fucking time? I know that is unrealistic, but it is the messed up way my brain works. All pies must be handmade at Thanksgiving, right? 😉
      Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your struggles too. It really does help to know that I am not the only one plagued with this.
      xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      • I love Pinterest but it’s, like, Martha Stewart’s fantasy playground. No one does all that shit. No one is great at everything… and even if they are, no one has that kind of time. I’m unemployed right now and even I don’t have that kind of time! Have you ever looked up “Pinterest fails” and looked at the pictures? It will make you feel better. At least, I think it will. And probably make you laugh, too.

        And I have made one pie from scratch in my life… it was too much work and I never did it again. My mom uses store bought crust 95% of the time. And my brother-in-law is a chef so fuck making pies. I like making 7-layer bars. Just throw all the stuff on and bake. 😀 xxoo

        Liked by 2 people

      • LMAO!!
        Martha Stewart has done a great disservice to the women of this world. She sells it like she does it all, and that Bitch has a team of thousands that do it for her. I’ll definitely be checking out the Pinterest fails. I was an at home mom for 18 years, and I couldn’t do it all then either.
        As for the pies, I think I will continue to make them. I buy pies at Costco throughout the year, because they are fucking AMAZING, no work and the price is right. But, at Thanksgiving, I’ll continue to make them from scratch, just so I keep in practice. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Even in your sadness, realize what a joy it is for me to read when someone else has the talent and ability to put into words that, which for me, will ever remain unspoken. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Forgive yourself and deem yourself worthy of love. Love yourself and know that nobody is perfect. Perfection does not exist. In any event my idea of perfection is different from yours, my truth is different from yours, and my reality is not the same as your reality. Know that I love you and care about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are SO right, and I am working on knowing all those things. I know I have good qualities, and bad ones. I just need to accept myself for them all. Your kind and loving words are so appreciated and welcomed. Thank you Sir. xo

      Like

  5. I know this feeling too well. It is hard to change the message we have about ourselves, even when we are told we are worthy, special, enough..we somehow have a hard time believing. As you can see from the other comments you have many who feel as you do. And I understand what you mean about submission. Within that relationship there is unvarnished acceptance and appreciation for who you are. The best is seen and put up to the light. I know that that is when I have felt the best about myself that I have ever felt. Recognised. Special. Enough. There is no price that can be put on being really seen and wanted as you are.

    But this is not about me, it’s about you. And you are loved. I cannot tell you how much I smile and laugh when I read what you’ve written, whether on your blog or a comment you’ve left elsewhere. You are infectious and I can see how others would just gravitate to you. Your light is special. As you are. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I get this a million percent. Never enough, never good enough. But I dove deeply into that the other day, so I won’t drone on – but know you aren’t the only one with such feelings!
    The submitting and the moments of quiet are a welcome relief! As we try to adjust our inner monologues, at least we have that safe and calm respite.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Professor Wild on said:

    And here they are yet again. Wonderfully supportive comments from a readership that relates, sympathizes, loves you, and finds great worth in you. Yet it is still so hard to really let ourselves believe that the incredible worthiness others find in us could possibly be true. I know one thing for sure – I would echo what tieme, siren, and many others have said. You have a true gift for putting into words so many things, from the passion of a well crafted story, to the raw, real, and sometimes painful exposing of your own soul. Continue on the path, Miss Amelia, for though it will not lead us to perfection, it does lead us forward to the place we were meant to be. I see such worth in you, a worth that cannot possibly be expressed in this small space. Always know that you are loved. Know that in those moments of your submission, when your mind is quiet and that you are enough….Know that the truth in those feelings extends far beyond the moments in which they occur.

    Liked by 5 people

  8. I have struggled with this my entire life as well, and I’ve analyzed the shit out of it, too. Submission definitely allows me respite, and the communication lines we’ve built are my saving grace.

    Have you read any Brenè Brown? I’m reading The Gifts of Imperfection, and it is so gut punching and enlightening that I have to read it in small chunks and give myself time to digest it and see how it applies to me and how it can impact my thinking. C’mon, read it with me. Rita has it too.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Not uninvited! Yay! The more the merrier. Too bad we can’t all meet for coffee and a chat. 😞

    Liked by 2 people

  10. You know EXACTLY what you mean to me and how I see you as a human BEING not a human doing. Everything else I have to say, I will do so directly to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. lickitrightnow on said:

    The ne’er ending inner monologue, the feeling that there is always more I could do, only remembering the mistakes, assuming you are not enough and never will be….yes. I understand this. All too well.

    I am at the beginning of my exploration of submission but the quiet it gives me is extraordinary. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I personally really appreciate it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think the key, at least for me, has been to continue to explore, question and seek help with finding just who I REALLY am. Funny, four decades have passed, and I am just now finally finding ME. 🙂
      Thank you so much for stopping by, and I hope to see you around a lot more.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. As far as I can see you’re more than enough 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I am sorry you feel this way. You really shouldn’t You have so much to offer a man and friends. I hope your days get better. And I hope boundless love enteres your life. (Sorry, I have been out of wordpress all weekend). I am here now, hopefully, I can bring a smile to your face. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • You ABSOLUTELY brought a smile to my face today. I am working on quieting the negative voices in my head. If they were outside my head, it would be easy. These Bitches that live in my brain are a bit more difficult to handle, but I’ll get them soon enough. 🙂
      Thank you for always having something positive, loving and helpful to say. My life wouldn’t be the same without you. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I’ve only begun following your insightful and lovely blog for a short time now, and I have found you to be a caring and charming lady. It’s my own experience that we who are caregivers and “do” for others are most prone to thinking (and acting) negatively regarding ourselves. I do not know why this is so. Perhaps the weight of the world and its worries becomes so heavy, we have little energy left to “do” for ourselves. Maybe the bitchcraft woven skillfully by so many today has potent magic we simply haven’t found the correct spells to counteract it!

    I know in my heart that kindness and love eventually will win. Never los hope, dear, sweet Miss Agatha.
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • What a lovely and insightful comment. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I hadn’t ever put it into those words, but they sure work. 🙂
      I completely agree, kindness and love will always win.
      Hope to see you around her more. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  15. It happens to the best of us. The moment you were conceived, you were enough- you are enough. Make a conscious decision to be. 🙂

    Like

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