Sticks and Stones
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Words can cause some of the worst hurts. Everyone needs to be careful about what comes pouring off their tongue, because it might just scar someone for life. I have had a few things said to me that have left marks on my soul.
I was once told by my father that he was very sad because he had always thought I would become something, and it turned out I became nothing.
I was told by my first husband, as he tossed my clothes out the door, that he had found someone prettier and skinnier that made him happier, so he had filed for divorce and I needed to get the fuck out.
A guy I was dating told me that I was really nice to have around until someone special came along.
Now, I’m not telling you these things to get sympathy. I have just had these thoughts swirling around in my head and wanted to share.
While what my father said was terrible, and no parent should say something like that to their own child, my dad did WAY better by me than was ever done for him. He had it ROUGH growing up. There was very little of anything, like food, love, security, or kindness. He left home, entered the Navy, put himself through college with a wife and a third kid that arrived his Senior year, worked his ass off for very little pay, and eventually made a real name for himself among his peers. Obviously, he could also be a real Jackass too, but still he tried to be better. I have made some mistakes with my own children too. Nothing like the kind my father made, but mistakes none the less. I just wanted to do better by my kids, and I think I have. Someday, they will be parents and want to do better by their kids too. That’s the nature of life, right?
As for the ex-husband, I was 18 and knew everything I needed to know about life when I married him. But he didn’t realize you had to stop dating. He got his girlfriend pregnant, and filed for divorce without even telling me. I was devastated! He said terrible things to me about all the ways I was inadequate and unattractive to him. He had found something SO MUCH better. I would never make any man happy. Well, the last I had heard, he was on wife number 5. I guess he’s still looking for perfection.
The other guy, he was just an ass and I dumped him really quick after that little gem.
All three men left serious scars on my self-esteem. I allowed them to decide who I was and what I was worth. Even after I met and married my current husband, for years he paid for the pain they caused. It has only been recently that I have begun taking stock of who I am in my eyes, versus who I think I am in the eyes of others. My husband is a HUGE part of that. He sees me so much differently than anyone else ever has. He sees my flaws, but he cherishes my good attributes. Disagreement is always delivered with love, and love is NEVER conditional. That love and support has allowed me to feel safe in exploring who I think I really am.
I’m a fucked up, flawed, stupid, idiotic, Bitch sometimes. BUT, I’m also a loving, caring, sympathetic, educated, funny, happy, and dedicated wife, mother, daughter, friend, coworker and human being. I LOVE sex, and to some, I’m a slut. That word can make me tingle or cause pain, depending on how it’s delivered. ‘I love you’ usually leaves you feeling good, unless it’s said without the real feeling behind it. When I say it, I TRULY mean it, ALWAYS. I still battle my inner voice telling me that I am nothing, I’m not pretty or skinny enough and that I’m not truly special, but I’m doing my very best to shut that Bitch up.
So, words can hurt you and words can heal you. We must always remember that.
Oh, and we must also remember not to take everything so DAMNED SERIOUSLY! While simple words can have definite negative and insulting connotations, sometimes people also go over the top in being Politically Correct. We shouldn’t get a laugh at the expense of others, but if you know a good blonde joke, or something about a housewife whore, or a girl with EXTREMELY large tits, please feel free to tell it to me. I accept that sometimes things are just funny because they are. 🙂