missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

To Hell and Back: The Descent

Blog Post-7-17-2016-To Hell and Back-The Descent (1)

I know that I have been quiet and posting only sporadically lately. Thank you so very much to all those that have commented and checked in, to see how I was and ask for more writing. I hope that the stories will be coming again very soon. I’m finally feeling like writing again.

You see, I’ve had a rough time in my life since February. After much thought, discussion and encouragement, I’m finally ready to talk about it. Not because I think it is anyone’s business, but because I think that I might be able to offer a little help to someone else. I know in the darkest of dark for me, a very special Lady (and I do use that title loosely) offered me some advice, another perspective, a big kick in the ass and all the love that I needed to begin righting the wrong.

I wrote a post on the 11th of February titled “Highs and Lows”. I told about my Grandmother dying and my daughter winning the District Drama Competition, all at the same time. What I omitted from that rollercoaster that I was on, was the fact that Professor had slept with the person I called my best friend all on the same weekend. Yes, we have invited another into our bedroom, but only one, and only when we had long discussions, were all in agreement, and were all together. This happened when I was out of town with my daughter. I found myself alone, mourning my Grandmother, trying to hide everything from my daughter so she could perform at her best. All the while, trying to figure out where the HELL I was going to go, and how I was going to destroy her world when she realized that her father and I were no longer going to be married.

People always want to know how I found out. Professor told me. The indiscretion happened very late the first evening I was gone, after much drinking and flirting. Alcohol is NOT an excuse, but it was a contributing factor. I awoke early to a text asking me to call him as soon as I woke. I had my alarm set REALLY early because the day was packed full of events. I called him right away. The second I heard his voice, I KNEW something was wrong. He came completely clean, confessed EVERYTHING. I was numb, said OK, hung up and proceeded to get cleaned up for the day. Got the kids all dropped off, and had to go find somewhere to hang for the day because parents weren’t allowed at any of the preliminary rounds of the competition. I parked myself in a booth at McDonald’s and opened my laptop to write. I have NO IDEA how long I just stared at my screen. I was jolted back into my reality when my phone rang. I answered it without even looking to see who it was. It was Professor asking me where I was. I told him McDonald’s and he wanted to know which one. See, the second I had hung up with him, he jumped in his truck and drove three hours to where I was to talk with me. The next thing I knew, he walked through the door.

It wasn’t until then that it really hit me. His face said it all. He was beyond pale, and looked like someone had just killed his grandmother and cheated on him. I remember slamming my computer and everything else into my bag and flying out of the restaurant to my car. He forced himself into the passenger seat and refused to leave. We spent the next several hours screaming, crying, sitting in complete silence and spinning. He finally agreed to get out when I had to go so I wouldn’t miss my daughter’s final assembly where they announced the winners. When they called her name, the tears flowed again, but luckily they were for her.

I must admit, the next bit of time was a blur. We drove home and I spent the next several days in bed. I couldn’t eat, sleep and almost put myself into the hospital with severe dehydration. Luckily, I was able to pass it off as a terrible bout of the flu to my family and work. HOW could he have done this to me? HOW could he have thought this was OK? HOW was I EVER going to forgive him? HOW was I EVER going to live without him?

I think three very important things happen to help give me direction. First, I told my mother I was leaving Professor. Looking back, I REALLY shouldn’t have done that since she had just lost her mother, but it ended up being a good thing too. Even though she was completely distraught for herself and me, she also gave me some very good, loving and calming advice. She said that she would support me no matter what, but I needed to remember one thing and it was VERY important. She didn’t know WHAT he was thinking, but she DID know that he loved me VERY much, so she told me to give it a little time before I did anything that I couldn’t change. She made me promise I wouldn’t do anything right away, and I promised.

Secondly, I got that advice from a very special Lady. She was calming, loving, sharing and the exact support I needed at the time. I don’t know what I would have done without her, and I will FOREVER be grateful to her for that. In moments like that, you learn who your true friends REALLY are.

Finally, my husband probably did the most to save our marriage. Yes, he was upfront, completely transparent, remorseful and devastated, but he went one step further than I could have EVER imagined. I was raised in the church and identify as a Christian. I believe in God and speak to him often, but my husband is a non-believer. His family never attended church, but he had always supported me in my desire to believe. One day, when I was in my darkest dark, I was walking into the room when I heard his voice. I found my husband praying. He said that had never believed in God before, but his wife did, and if there was any chance that God did exist, he prayed that he would hear him and save our marriage. He knew he had no right to ask, but he was begging anyway because he needed a miracle and there was no way he could live without me. I was completely stunned. For him to pray, he HAD to be truly desperate. I finally saw a distant light.

There is SO MUCH MORE to this story, and I plan on continuing to give you a glimpse into our journey. I hope, and believe, Professor will also be writing from his perspective. None of this has been easy, and we have suffered setbacks along the way. I am very happy to report that we are slowly, but surely not only recovering, but building an even stronger and better marriage.

For all of those who read this and think that, “There is NO WAY I would have taken him back. Cheat once on me and I’m GONE!” don’t be so sure. I would have said the same thing, AND if I had, I would have completely destroyed my family, lost my very best friend and never known the kind of love that I have found on the other side. So, I am ALWAYS open to comments and concerns. I think that free and open communications lead to greater understanding and learning. But, if you only want to bash and hate without constructive thought or inquiry, I would truly appreciate you keeping your comments to yourself.

Blog Post-7-17-2016-To Hell and Back-The Descent (2)

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57 thoughts on “To Hell and Back: The Descent

  1. Sending you love and hugs. It’s always easy to say you walk away… But it’s never actually easy to do in reality. I’m glad you to have stuck it out. I’m glad you shared your story for others. Mad respect. Keeping it real. Love stories aren’t always neat and clean.

    I wish you every happiness

    Liked by 2 people

    • No Ma’am. Real isn’t always pretty, but it is what a life is made of. I have no problem with people that choose to walk away from a cheating spouse, but our circumstance was different. My husband is now and always has been, one of the BEST people I have ever known. If this is his worst, we will be just fine. Thank you for the lovely well wishes and I hope that you find your own peace and happiness too.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I admire your openness in sharing your story. And I admire your strength. Nothing is ever simply black and white. I don’t think anyone truly knows that they would do X if Y happened. You just don’t know until you’re there. I’ve done plenty of things in reaction to other things that I never thought I’d do! We are human… and our relationships are human… and that means they’ll have flaws and every single one will be different.

    “Real relationships aren’t perfect and perfect relationships aren’t real.”

    That’s exactly right. Anyone who claims to have a perfect relationship is either naive or lying (maybe even to themselves). Or maybe some of both.

    Many hugs! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I LOVED this quote the first time I saw it. Not sure where it came from, but it is spot on. This is why I decided to write about our experience. If I only show you the “perfect” parts, it makes for good fiction, but a seriously skewed reality. If my experiences can make even one person feel less alone, less of a failure, then my ugly isn’t so ugly anymore. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s true. And it’s why I hate sites like facebook… which I think is the worst place on the entire internet for this sort of thing… people only showing you the good stuff so you feel like crap knowing that’s not your life. But… it’s not theirs either. They just want you to think that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Just because shit happens, doesn’t mean you can’t still have a good life. We are so afraid to look imperfect, when we ALL know that we ALL are. It’s fucking frustrating sometimes, isn’t it?

        Like

  3. oh Sis, i love you. i hope that by sharing your story you are able to continue on your journey of healing, forgiving, loving and growing. all my love and support to you both! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am a man, and because of my sex I cannot possibly understand how you really feel ~ my emotions are shallower, faster, and harder than yours. Personally, I would have walked away from my partner after an admission like that, and never once looked back. I admire your strength, I applaud your emotional needs, and I respect your decisions. All I can really do is keep you in my thoughts and prayers. All love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have a feeling that you aren’t near as shallow as you think. 😉
      My strength and final decision came from a thorough examination of the facts. I LOVE him. He fucked up. Was it worth loosing everything. The answer was a deafening NO! Did things change? Absolutely, but doesn’t life change all the time anyway? Thank you for your kind words and loving support. Good people are all over this world, and I have been more than blessed to meet so many of you.

      Like

  5. Only love and support from me, Amelia. Thank you for being brave and sharing with us. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You know a bit of my life from the last couple of years. Without doubt, it lends tint to my thoughts. That tint only increases my appreciation for the fact that you listened.

    I received various pieces of great advice as a kid. Among them was that the bigger the problem, the longer you wait to make a decision. Salesman and the Devil both want you to act NOW, “Today only!”, because they know that if they can rush you, you are in their snare. Your measured pace was wise.

    Hopefully you will see nothing but love, wisdom and positive support and a path to peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Sending you all the love that I can sweetheart, stay strong babe, keep your light burning because it’s so beautifully bright xxx hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So, this professor, this “sir” is your husband? I am sorry for the question, but,
    I am new to your blog and just trying to understand. I probably need to go
    back and read your older posts too at some time. I found myself really
    feeling all the emotions you put into this. The fact that your husband
    prayed when he didn’t much believe sets profound volumes on how he
    felt about you and wanted to make things right. I wish you both the very
    best on getting things back on track and loving each other madly, deeply…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, he is my husband of 21 years. I really appreciate your kind words. I am still fairly new to writing, so the fact that you could feel what I was trying to express feels really good to me too. He is a Good Man that made a REALLY Stupid decision. Won’t be his last, I’m sure. Just hope it will be his worst. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I was married to a serial cheater. There is truly a difference in that kind of man and the man your husband has been for decades. Your description of the feelings of despair and anger is so familiar to me, even after nearly a quarter century of time has passed. The pain is so hard to fathom. The world seems tilted and you wish you could just turn back the clock to the old normal.

    I can say without doubt, I love my husband more than my pride. As horrific as my first husband made me feel, all the doubts about myself his cheating created, THIS husband would get the benefit of a second chance because he has proven time and again that he’s the real deal. I think you have shared that Professor is also that kind of man.

    We are all human and merely one step away from making bad decisions all the time, if we are truthful. There is a reason we warn our children of the dangers of alcohol or other mind and inhibition altering substances. It is never an excuse, but we all know it is a clear and present danger to our good judgement.

    Thank you for sharing a REAL love story. One that is honest. Tell Professor thanks for being a real man and for owning his mistakes. Thank him from me for going every extra mile for you and for remembering the frailty and fragility of marriage and love. This is a road no one wants to be on, but you must walk it together now, regardless of your wish to find another path.

    I will keep you both in my prayers and know those prayers will be for a strong and fierce love for each other.

    Xo-Angel

    Like

    • Thank you SO much for this generous and loving comment. Our story is REAL. He is a REAL man. He did travel several extra miles to make sure I was taken care of first and to prove that he loved me, no matter my decision.
      Your kindness will help make all the difference for him. He is open to us sharing, but he was afraid that people would only see him in a poor light from now on. Nobody that truly knows him would only see him as a bad man. Yes, mistakes were made, but they don’t negate the lifetime of good and love that he put out first. Thank you for seeing that too.
      xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Please feel free to email, if you feel comfortable. I know you both are likely torn up with what-ifs, but life is full of those moments. Any one of us could be in your shoes or a similar pair, but for the grace of God. There is no ultimate wrong that can separate us from those that we truly love with the kind of love we are called to exhibit. Maybe in my old age, I have finally come to realize that life is short. You and your professor do not need judgements nor false understandings. You both need gentle support. I am a proponent of staying together. Of holding tightly to love. Of fighting through hard times. Of forgiveness and grace.

        Finding a new normal will change you both for the better, if you can slug through the mud to get there. It is worth the effort, I believe. He is worth the forgiveness and your relationship will be forged of steel if you are both brave and honest enough to look at the hard things.

        I think the efforts in the last few years to forge a new honesty between you as you explored D/s probably has laid a stronger foundation for this kind of brutal honesty that will be needed in the future. Whether you continue with that kind of journey or not, love will win, if you are brave enough.

        Many many hugs and lots of kisses, you two. I’m proud to know just this little piece of you. Integrity still exists. I can see it in your transparency.

        Liked by 2 people

      • I completely agree with you. The efforts of the last few years ABSOLUTELY allowed for us to move forward. Not because he is the Dominant, but because we had developed an open line of communication like we had NEVER had before. For now, our D/s is taking a bit of a step back because I need to feel that sense of complete trust again to truly submit. I trust him with so many things, but there are still a few points we are working on. I truly appreciate all your support and encouraging words. We all have shit going on in our lives. I just hope that mine might help someone else deal with theirs. xo

        Like

  10. I love you both. You know how I feel.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. No bashing from me- failure is an event not a characteristic to define a Person..people fail they are not failures.
    What God has joined let no man tear asunder…”Torn Asunder” a book I bought but unlike you I did not have a man willing to be honest. It Offers a map for your journey
    You are a light.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Best of luck and with Love, Ms. A. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Much respect to you! Good luck on your marriage and family, hope your strength brings you happiness (:

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Your post gave me chills. My husband and I have been married 22 years and together for 26. A few years ago, I was the one who strayed. There aren’t words to express his love for me… and he begged me to come back and go to counseling with him. I was stubborn and proud, and finally after several tries agreed. Our problems began many years ago because he worked so much and for so many hours every day, I was neglected. He still tried to control all aspects of our life and I grew very resentful. We had bad communication skills. I did not know how much he loved me because he didn’t show nor tell me. So I turned from him. We were both wrong. He felt responsible for what I did and apologized. (I did too and cried buckets of tears.) It takes a big man to do that, and I had to give him another chance.

    I am so incredibly happy for you two that you also have a second chance like we do. Things are not perfect, but humans are not, either. We work to love, honor, respect, and be honest above all with each other. I wish you both the same. I welcome emails/texts should you so desire. Sending you enough strength and joy to last a lifertime……….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Life hands us so many different cards along the way, we just have to play them the best we can. Sometimes we don’t make the right call, but if we are diligent, we will recover and live to play another day. I am thrilled that things have worked out for you too. It takes an incredibly strong foundation to survive these kind of challenges. Sounds like we were both lucky to have that. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. love and prayers

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Brave (and perhaps therapeutic) thing you did writing about this difficult period in your life. I am so sorry this happened to you. You are a kind loving person who deserved better.

    My heart goes out to you.

    Forgiveness is one of the most important things we must achieve in our life. It is not always easy, but getting on with the rest of your life will begin there. From what I know of you, you are a strong person. Your strength will be essential to move past this unfortunate event.

    My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I sincerely hope a night of indiscretion doesn’t ruin years of a good marriage or wonderful family.

    Hugs xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I’m glad you are back. Life is never easy, but you always must keep living gracefully….. And you always do.
    Biggest hug

    Liked by 1 person

  18. BallsyBilly on said:

    I hope you know how I feel about you and the Professor ?
    I’m a polyamorous so I can’t really give any good advise on this. Except to say Much Love To Both of You ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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