missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Crazy! Sick! Stupid! Recovery!

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For the past year I have been sinking deeper and deeper into a dark fog.  I kept telling myself that I just needed to get my shit together and everything would be just fine.  Even when I could hold it together for a while, it would all come crashing down and leave me feeling more alone, worthless, empty and sad than the time before.  I actually thought I might be going insane.  But, since that was NOT an option, I continued to try and push through.  Like last November, when I hosted a houseful for Friendsgiving.  Having everyone around was always one of my favorite things, and this time was no different.  However, after everyone had completed the gluttonous meal and sat around laughing and talking, I excused myself.  I went back to my bedroom, retreated to a corner of my closet, sobbed uncontrollably, wiped my face as I stood up, went into the bathroom to splash my face and touch up my make up, then walked back out to the party and began serving pie.  Nobody was the wiser, except me.

blog-post-9-30-2016-crazy-sick-stupid-recovery-stretchedIt all came to a climactic head recently.  I had felt like I was being crushed harder and harder by some invisible weight.  I would get unreasonably angry with my husband for no real good reason.  I would cry at the drop of a feather.  I would go to work during the week, accomplishing next to nothing, and retreat into my bed the second I got home and remain there for the entire weekend.  My husband and I were driving home from dropping off our daughter, and arguing, about what I have NO idea.  We were just about to pull into our driveway, but he kept driving past.  I was FURIOUS!  “LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING TRUCK!!”  He said he wasn’t done talking with me.  So, I opened the door and climbed out onto the running boards and decided to jump.  I guess I didn’t really decide, because I have no idea what I was thinking.  Luckily, my husband grabbed me by the back of my shirt, ripped me backwards into the truck as he hit the brakes.  He was terrified and so was I.  He held me firm as he drove around to our driveway and let me go.  I stormed into the house.  Again, not sure what I was thinking except that everything was dark, heavy and hopeless.  What came next was completely unexpected.  I took my nails and dug a chunk of flesh out of my arm.  Seeing the blood trickling out left me stunned.  I NEEDED HELP!

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I went to my therapist, which I had started seeing with my husband to try and fix our marital issues.  She quickly saw that I needed more help than a bit of extra exercise and talking could fix.  A friend of mine forwarded me a well know test for depression levels and I took it.  I was gob smacked when I scored at a level of Severe Depression.  He informed me that most people at that level were non-functioning.  I just joked that it just meant I was AFUCKINGMAZING because I was functioning just fine.  However, the bandage on my wrist said something different.  I was very lucky to get in with an amazing Psychiatrist very quickly and he diagnosed me as severely depressed and prescribed something to help me sleep and an anti-depressant.

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This is where the Stupid happened.  I was SO EMBARRASSED!!  What the FUCK did I have to be depressed about?  I have a great husband, two healthy and happy children, a lovely home, a good job, a wonderful family and spectacular friends.  I had really thought that I was just failing to get my shit together.  And the thought that I had in ANY way harmed myself made me want to vomit.  I have kids, for God’s sake.  I wanted to hide it all.  I threatened my husband that if he said anything to anyone, I’d never forgive him.  The bandage was just covering a burn and NOBODY needed to know about the ballet on the running boards.  It wasn’t until I saw my husband’s face, as he told me that he wouldn’t say anything, but he NEVER wanted me to EVER expect our own children to come to us when they had a problem.  The thought crushed me, so I began talking.

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I am now a ways into my medication and have decided to continue to speak openly by writing this and posting it here.  I have spoken with my mother and she was terribly worried about me, but also relieved because this helped explain why our relationship had been so strained.  I have talked with my kids.  I did not tell them about the exact events of that night, because I don’t think they need to worry about that.  I have told them that I am suffering from some depression and I am also getting help for it via some medication and therapy.  I am talking with friends and have found that this is SO MUCH more common than I ever knew.  In fact, when I told a friend that I worked with what was happening, her eyes began to tear and she said, “Could you please send me that test?  I think I’m having something happening to me too.”  I just hugged her as we both cried.  I am happy to say that she has begun seeking help since.

The BIGGEST part of my recovery is happening through my husband.  That man….I don’t have the words to describe what he has done for me and means to me.  We have suspended our D/s for now.  Although, as I just typed that, I’m not sure we have.  I am pulling myself back together within his strong and loving arms.  When I am frail and fragile, he is my safety and strength.  Every night, he tucks me into bed and rubs my feet until I fall off to sleep.  If I fall asleep on the first foot, he continues onto the second foot as I sleep.  If that isn’t Dominance and Absolute Love…nothing will EVER be.

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If you find yourself feeling off, heavy, dark, foggy, distracted, disorganized, confused, overwhelmed, dazed, unfocused and/or sad, PLEASE GO FIND HELP!!  You are not weak because you reach out.  This wasn’t something I did or didn’t do.  It was an imbalance that I had no control over, but it COMPLETELY controlled me.  I never thought this would happen to me, but it did.  Now, I choose to take back my life and for the first time in over a year, I feel hopeful and happy, and it feels GOOD!!

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42 thoughts on “Crazy! Sick! Stupid! Recovery!

  1. Be well. Really and truly. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nothing but love and support from me! So happy you are on the road to recovery. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My gorgeous, crazy, wonderful, brilliant, sexy sister. I love you! I can’t tell you how proud I am of you for confronting this demon head on and taking control of your life back. You have a will and strength that is second to only one other 😉 and I know that your desire to be healthy again will happen because of it. Your bravery in sharing your story will no doubt help countless others. It’s my hope that when you read this you feel my love envelope you like a warm embracing hug and that in it you find safety, strength and comfort. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You were on my mind this week. I have to say I have been headed down this road in the last 3 years and it is indeed dark and your vision gets so distorted. What an encouragement it must be to have support around you that demands that you take care of yourself first. And God BLESS your husband for walking alongside of you and being brave enough to say the hard and honest things that you so desperately probably needed to make healthy choices for yourself and your family. I’m that bad-news bearer in my family and it SUCKS. So when I started spiraling, it threw the entire family for a loop. I also couldn’t function, came home from work and sat in a fog or slept. Everything made me cry. My whole world was hopelessly shitty. I kept trying to soldier through and gave myself pep talks which only made me feel worse because for the first time ever, I couldn’t self-talk out of the negativity and fog. Scariest year of my life (except for the postpartum depression year) I’m so glad you are willing to share this with all of us. Mental health is not ever going to get out of the shame closet if we don’t show how typical folks also struggle. It doesn’t make us crazy or weak when our body stops working correctly. No one thinks that about diabetics, for Pete’s sake.

    Lots of love and hugs. Glad you hit publish today. Tomorrow you were going to get an email from me checking on you for being gone too long from WP.

    Liked by 1 person

    • THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I don’t want another person on this planet to EVER feel what I have felt, but it also brings such comfort to know that I am NOT crazy and NOT alone. I really had no idea what was happening, because like you, I have ALWAYS been the Bitch in control of everything. I kept everyone and everything going forward and organized, so how could I possibly fail at anything, including my mental health. I am learning that I didn’t fail, I just got sick. Now, I am taking the medication I need and seeking the help of professionals that will lead me back to the full time Bitch I have always been. Only, this time, I will take MUCH better care of that Bitch and not always leave her as the last priority. Thank you for being a wonderful person that I am happy to call a friend. xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think feeling crazy was the worst part for me. I was ALWAYS in control of myself and it was like the pregnancy horrific hormone swings with no baby to make it worth it. Feeling better here 2 years out. Exercise (when I can), sleep, and balanced eating are helping me now. Don’t know where I’d be without HH. He stepped up and laid down some health rules. I’m sure your Professor hasn’t put his Dom back in a bottle, it just manifests differently when we are a little fragile. Good men know how to manage us tough girls!

        Liked by 1 person

      • EXACTLY!! I actually never had postpartum and always felt very lucky for that. This, however, kicked my ass. Professor is trying his very best, but he really didn’t have all the tools he needed to deal with and help me. Now, he too is talking with someone to help him better understand everything that has happened. All I know for sure is that we will survive this, and anything else life decided to throw at us. We are SO MUCH STRONGER TOGETHER.
        As for managing us tough girls, they can sure try. 😉

        Like

  5. Depression is a chemical imbalance. I went through the same thing. I would also be at work at all day, accomplish nothing but a few email responses, and go home under the covers all weekend. I’ve been on my medication for almost a year now and I love it. I have a whole new outlook on my life after being diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression. I realized I needed to get help when I was standing on top of a parking garage over looking the strip and wondering if I would survive a jump down, who would find me, how long it would take to be found, who would visit in a hospital or funeral. 😢

    I’m so glad you got help. You are strong and loved. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am SO GLAD that you didn’t jump. It is a truly horrible illness because it leaves you feeling so lost, hopeless and ashamed. That is why I decided to write. I figured that if I lost friends or even followers because I shared my truth, I’d be happy to tell them to not let the door hit them in the ass. Most people suffer some form or depression and it is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Thank you for sharing your story here and acknowledging mine. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Depression should be something that is treated like any other illness, but unfortunately too many people consider depression to be ‘in the head’ and self-treatable. My spouse has been clinically depressed for 30 years and has been treated with multiple medications and therapy. Your story here is much too common and it shouldn’t happen. There is no difference between having an ailment of the body or mind, both are legitimate concerns and are not a personal failure. You and anyone else who needs medications for depression are not weak and I’m glad you are getting the help you need.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing your story. You are SO RIGHT!! I have actually always thought just that, and have even know friends who suffer from depression. I supported them in any and all ways that I knew to. However, when it was me, I didn’t give myself the same support and grace that I gave them. I’m happy to say that now, I’m doing better and trying to support myself too.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh honey, this sucks but I’m glad to hear you’re getting your shit together and have the support you need. Thank you for sharing your story, it serves as a great reminder and provides hope! Hang in there kiddo you’re on a good path now. (((hugs))) 💞

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My precious little sister! I can’t find the words to tell you how proud, happy and hopeful I am with and for you.

    YOU know how much I love ya both. I’m here for you, cheering for you and BELIEVING in your ability to rise from the fog.

    I’m so glad you reached out for a hand of help when you needed it.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. professorwild on said:

    Oh, the joyous uplifting of all the love this world has to give! I am so proud of you my Beautiful, so beyond proud and grateful for you every day. In sharing, there is healing, and I see this as a monumental step toward standing in the light where I know you belong. In the words of Gary Allan, “Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride”. Indeed, always a beautiful, beautiful ride. Thank you for being so brave My Love….

    A Song for the Day…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, dear friend, I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write this – but you did, and you should be proud.
    My love and prayers for you and yours as you take time to heal and let those who love you take the strain for a while.

    Ash

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Identifying a problem and acknowledging it is very difficult. That this has happened is good and that you have a plan that includes the love and support of those around you is better. Hopefully this path will become straighter and smoother as the days go by.

    Your description certainly sounds like you are there. The gentleman is showing you care, kindness and wise support. Continue to let that be a lode star for you both.

    Well wishes ma’am.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. My dear beautiful amazing Amelia. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. You, you can think thou are happy with your amazing life but your brain tells you different. Master and i spent a long time overcoming my depression and anxiety. I’m very glad you found help. Now you can be happy about your amazing life and not overwhelmed by a sadness you know You shouldn’t feel. We should all be so lucky to have someone love us that completely. I hope you continue to recover and see happiness for what it truly is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Maeve, for sharing your struggles too. Your description was spot on. I hope that you too, continue to recover and see your true happiness in everyday. 🙂

      Like

      • i have my bad days. but i’ve made great strides since leaving the town that caused my anxiety. we are currently working on making it so i don’t have to depend on medication. i drink a lot of herbal tea and rely on Him. He doesn’t always understand emotion, but He always listens.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That is Lovely. I don’t want to rely on medication for very long, but I am for now, until I get my feet back under me and am feeling stronger. You are lucky, like me, to have a partner that will love, support and care for you through everything, including the bad. They are special partners indeed. 🙂

        Like

  13. I can So relate to this post because i myself have had depression and anxiety issues and take medicine for both….I still have ups and downs, but, I push myself to be happy and positive and keep going strong. My husband just passed away in August, and my strength and determination has kept me going and
    I have great family and friends who
    have kept me sane. Be determined and
    keep fighting to live everyday….it does
    work, I am proof of that….

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am SO SORRY for your loss. I can’t even imagine. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
      Also, thank you for sharing your story here. I am shocked at how many people have contacted me here, and privately, to share their stories of depression. When so many people suffer, why is it still so quiet? I decided that if my experience could help just one other person suffering like I was, it would be worth exposing myself and showing how raw I am.
      We are Strong Women that will get better and fight whatever battle comes next. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  14. iamdaphneblake84 on said:

    Sending love and positive thoughts to you, my dear! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  15. BallsyBilly on said:

    You are one tough bitch and I won’t stand for any bullshit! You hear?
    Much Love ❤
    Stay well and happy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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