I’m So Very Sad. Yesterday, our great friends lost their home to a wildfire. He was the Best Man at our wedding. Everything is gone. They moved there 23 years ago and lived in a wall-tent for the first couple years while they built a rough shell of a home. Since then, they have continued to work on their house, barn and beautiful farm full of fruits, vegetables and animals. In one night, those years of sweat were completely erased into ashes.
We can step back and remember that all family members, human and animal, survived. That will ALWAYS be the most important part. But now what?
I am feeling so very helpless, wondering what to do for them. They have no idea what they even need yet. They can’t wrap their heads around this themselves. It’s a very destitute feeling for everyone.
I have no doubt that they will successfully move forward. They are strong people with a community of friends and family behind them. But for now, we all feel numb.
It’s Christmas Eve. The tree twinkles with white lights. The stockings hang awaiting their bounty. Gifts are wrapped, cookies baked and the smells of Christmas waft through the rooms. Everyone is scurrying around doing last minute chores, shopping or wrapping, except me. I sit her at my computer, wanting to give thanks and put into words, how I’m feeling this Holiday.
Four years ago, on Christmas, I ran away from home. I felt lost, desperate, confused, and I hate to admit, but suicidal. I fled in the middle of the night, with nowhere to go, so I found myself checking into a hotel just down the road from my house, where my family slept. I can remember climbing into the bed in that room, and closing my eyes, hoping to never awaken. Thankfully, I did.
I awoke to the phone ringing in my room. It was the front desk telling me there was someone in the lobby, claiming to be my husband, that wanted to see me. I told them I’d be right down. Apparently, when he woke and found me gone, he had spent the night attempting to find me and finally tracked my credit card to the hotel. We talked. Can’t say we accomplished anything except he made it crystal clear that he would NOT leave me alone until I came home. So, I did, arriving before anyone else was awake and all still oblivious of my insanity flight the night before.
I tell this story because I have come out the other side of that and am feeling blessed and my heart is full again. It’s taken a Ton of work, even more tears and a willingness on everyone’s part to pick up, move forward and heal. Mostly, it’s been up to me to change the dialogue in my head. It never mattered what anyone said to me or about me, I was instantly ready to give a list of the reasons that I was ugly, bad and unworthy. Some of that negative self-talk came from what others had said to me, but mostly it was about what I had told myself. While that nasty voice still rears its ugly head, I have learned things I can do to quiet its ass quickly now.
I have a husband I wouldn’t have survived without. My two kids are my entire world and I couldn’t be prouder of them. I am still a bit estranged from my mom, but I guess we are working on it, so that’s something. And I have a group of friends that will call me on my bullshit, give me their sleeve to wipe away my tears and hold my hair after a night out of nothing but fun and laughter. What more could anyone ask for?
So, I am going to enjoy the remainder of today and tomorrow, celebrating with my family. After that, I have no idea what will happen, but I do know that I am excited about the possibilities and look forward to the adventure. Merry Christmas to you and yours and may 2020 be your BEST YEAR Yet!!
Finding the time to write anything recently has been almost impossible. I found myself with a few free minutes between quarters of the football game, and decided to at least do a quick check in.
Just returned from moving my daughter 3000 miles away to college. I will miss her desperately, but it is EXACTLY where she needs to be and is already thriving and finding success. Will be needing to sell a couple kidneys, part of my liver and possibly a lung or two to pay for it, but it’s TOTALLY worth it.
Right before that, I had a pleasant surprise come my way. My Bestie was coming to visit, but found out work was sending her to Florida for a few days. She invited me to tag along. After more discussion, we decided to each bring our kiddos and make it a getaway for the four of us, before the two of them both went off to college. To say we had fun would be a HUGE understatement. We ate AMAZING food, walked through sudden panty drenching rainstorm, held alligators, went on airboat ride through the Everglades, did an Escape room, ate at Medieval Times, saw Blue Man Group, rode a 400 foot Ferris wheel, spent a day at Universal Islands of Adventure and ended the trip with a day at Discovery Cove swimming with dolphins. DEFINITELY a trip we will NEVER Forget!
Spent the rest of the summer traveling and hanging at home. Trips included Arizona, Montana, California, Idaho, California again, Arizona again, Montana again, Florida, Georgia and additional trips for my kids to California and China.
Hopefully, things will slow a bit now. Getting back into a routine feels good. Although, I’m ALWAYS looking for my next adventure.
So much more I’d like to write, but out of time again. Hope everyone is well, happy and living your best life.
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