missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Archive for the category “Grief”

Loss

Blog Post-5-13-2017-Loss

First:
You don’t believe
You can’t accept
You refuse to acknowledge
You become numb

Then:
It hurts
It aches
It burns
It damages

Next:
You cry
You scream
You question
You mourn

Eventually:
Searching for acceptance
Searching for condolence
Searching for comfort
Searching for a safe place for the memories to live

Finally:
Remembering
Smiling
Accepting
Forever Loving

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All my Love to C XOXOXO!

Your Continued Silence is Deafening

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You said you needed space and time
But your continued silence is deafening

I asked you too many questions and it angered you
But your continued silence is deafening

I only wanted to give you my friendship and unconditional love
But your continued silence is deafening

I’m trying to honor your choice to pull away, to process
But your continued silence is deafening

I wish you nothing but peace and happiness
But your continued silence is deafening

I am holding on by a thin thread, waiting for your return
But your continued silence is deafening

Maybe I should listen?

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Without

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Edvard Munch, Kneeling Female Nude, 1919

Wanting
Needing
Thinking
Desiring
Craving
Hungering
Yearning
Longing
Missing
…………….
Without

Rebirth

blog-post-11-23-2016-rebirth

Out with the veiled
In with the new
My rebirth
Won’t include you.

Years and experiences
Love and great laughter
Were shared in the past
But not from hereafter.

You will always hold
A special place in my heart
But we no longer work
And I must depart.

When we are together
I feel hidden on a shelf
I refuse to remain concealed
I must reveal my true self.

I wish you only the best
Out on your own
But you will no longer
Be my home.

Good-bye.

**Please know this was inspired by a conversation with a friend and that Professor and I are doing just fine.

Crazy! Sick! Stupid! Recovery!

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For the past year I have been sinking deeper and deeper into a dark fog.  I kept telling myself that I just needed to get my shit together and everything would be just fine.  Even when I could hold it together for a while, it would all come crashing down and leave me feeling more alone, worthless, empty and sad than the time before.  I actually thought I might be going insane.  But, since that was NOT an option, I continued to try and push through.  Like last November, when I hosted a houseful for Friendsgiving.  Having everyone around was always one of my favorite things, and this time was no different.  However, after everyone had completed the gluttonous meal and sat around laughing and talking, I excused myself.  I went back to my bedroom, retreated to a corner of my closet, sobbed uncontrollably, wiped my face as I stood up, went into the bathroom to splash my face and touch up my make up, then walked back out to the party and began serving pie.  Nobody was the wiser, except me.

blog-post-9-30-2016-crazy-sick-stupid-recovery-stretchedIt all came to a climactic head recently.  I had felt like I was being crushed harder and harder by some invisible weight.  I would get unreasonably angry with my husband for no real good reason.  I would cry at the drop of a feather.  I would go to work during the week, accomplishing next to nothing, and retreat into my bed the second I got home and remain there for the entire weekend.  My husband and I were driving home from dropping off our daughter, and arguing, about what I have NO idea.  We were just about to pull into our driveway, but he kept driving past.  I was FURIOUS!  “LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING TRUCK!!”  He said he wasn’t done talking with me.  So, I opened the door and climbed out onto the running boards and decided to jump.  I guess I didn’t really decide, because I have no idea what I was thinking.  Luckily, my husband grabbed me by the back of my shirt, ripped me backwards into the truck as he hit the brakes.  He was terrified and so was I.  He held me firm as he drove around to our driveway and let me go.  I stormed into the house.  Again, not sure what I was thinking except that everything was dark, heavy and hopeless.  What came next was completely unexpected.  I took my nails and dug a chunk of flesh out of my arm.  Seeing the blood trickling out left me stunned.  I NEEDED HELP!

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I went to my therapist, which I had started seeing with my husband to try and fix our marital issues.  She quickly saw that I needed more help than a bit of extra exercise and talking could fix.  A friend of mine forwarded me a well know test for depression levels and I took it.  I was gob smacked when I scored at a level of Severe Depression.  He informed me that most people at that level were non-functioning.  I just joked that it just meant I was AFUCKINGMAZING because I was functioning just fine.  However, the bandage on my wrist said something different.  I was very lucky to get in with an amazing Psychiatrist very quickly and he diagnosed me as severely depressed and prescribed something to help me sleep and an anti-depressant.

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This is where the Stupid happened.  I was SO EMBARRASSED!!  What the FUCK did I have to be depressed about?  I have a great husband, two healthy and happy children, a lovely home, a good job, a wonderful family and spectacular friends.  I had really thought that I was just failing to get my shit together.  And the thought that I had in ANY way harmed myself made me want to vomit.  I have kids, for God’s sake.  I wanted to hide it all.  I threatened my husband that if he said anything to anyone, I’d never forgive him.  The bandage was just covering a burn and NOBODY needed to know about the ballet on the running boards.  It wasn’t until I saw my husband’s face, as he told me that he wouldn’t say anything, but he NEVER wanted me to EVER expect our own children to come to us when they had a problem.  The thought crushed me, so I began talking.

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I am now a ways into my medication and have decided to continue to speak openly by writing this and posting it here.  I have spoken with my mother and she was terribly worried about me, but also relieved because this helped explain why our relationship had been so strained.  I have talked with my kids.  I did not tell them about the exact events of that night, because I don’t think they need to worry about that.  I have told them that I am suffering from some depression and I am also getting help for it via some medication and therapy.  I am talking with friends and have found that this is SO MUCH more common than I ever knew.  In fact, when I told a friend that I worked with what was happening, her eyes began to tear and she said, “Could you please send me that test?  I think I’m having something happening to me too.”  I just hugged her as we both cried.  I am happy to say that she has begun seeking help since.

The BIGGEST part of my recovery is happening through my husband.  That man….I don’t have the words to describe what he has done for me and means to me.  We have suspended our D/s for now.  Although, as I just typed that, I’m not sure we have.  I am pulling myself back together within his strong and loving arms.  When I am frail and fragile, he is my safety and strength.  Every night, he tucks me into bed and rubs my feet until I fall off to sleep.  If I fall asleep on the first foot, he continues onto the second foot as I sleep.  If that isn’t Dominance and Absolute Love…nothing will EVER be.

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If you find yourself feeling off, heavy, dark, foggy, distracted, disorganized, confused, overwhelmed, dazed, unfocused and/or sad, PLEASE GO FIND HELP!!  You are not weak because you reach out.  This wasn’t something I did or didn’t do.  It was an imbalance that I had no control over, but it COMPLETELY controlled me.  I never thought this would happen to me, but it did.  Now, I choose to take back my life and for the first time in over a year, I feel hopeful and happy, and it feels GOOD!!

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To Hell and Back: The Other Woman

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In the greater scheme of my life, the woman my husband slept with has become completely insignificant to me.  I have not uttered a word to her since the morning before she slept with my husband, and I never will again.  Oh, it’s been hard not to tell her EXACTLY what I think sometimes.  I did write a post about her on March 28, https://missameliaandsir.wordpress.com/2016/03/28/it-took-nerve-to/ .  It was actually not so much about her, but an outlet for some of my anger and frustrations. She has continued to attempt to insert herself into our lives several times since.  I don’t even care to go into much detail, as I am refusing to give her ANY power anymore.  I am going to move forward and have no regrets leaving her in my dust trail.

The relationship between all of us was very long, 30+ years between Professor and her and 20+ years between her and I, and full of many ups and downs.  She was recently served divorce papers from her husband on their 30th wedding anniversary.  She has been spiraling ever since.  In my post, you will read about a few of the actions she has taken that I have had a very hard time with, fucking my husband of course being the most disturbing.

Professor has completely removed her from his life too.  It’s funny, but I feel kind of bad about that.  Not many people have a 30+ year friendship to talk about.  He has never once complained about it though.  He has done everything to show me that I am his priority and she was just a one night drunk fuck.

I am sure she will continue to pop up in our lives.  She sent me a text the morning after everything happened, while my husband was on his way to find me.  It said, “Sorry.  Hope we can talk about it soon.”  Six weeks later she sent an email outlining all the things she thought that I had done wrong, informing me that she had already apologized and wouldn’t be doing it again.  I kind of thought that 20+ years of friendship deserved more than a 30 character text.  I knew right then, without a doubt, I was DONE!  She has been telling people bold face lies about me, but at this point, if they choose to believe her, whatever.  She sent another email about a month and a half ago, informing us that she had no desire to ever speak with us again and wanted nothing to do with us ever.  Of course, she sent this email while sitting on my father-in-law’s couch.  She had driven 9 hours down to where he lived to spend a weekend.  They only knew each other via my husband, but she thought this was appropriate.  He called Professor after she left and informed him that she was crazy.  I just want her to go away and stay away.

What I have learned from all of this is that you need to pay close attention to who your REAL friends are.  I hadn’t been happy with her in my life for a very long time, but I maintained the friendship for my husband.  He had just accepted her and her husband for who they were, and I tried very hard to do the same.  However, I never got anything of real value back, and am now sorry that I wasted all those years trying to nurture something that didn’t deserve it.  It’s important to do things and accept some things just because they are important to your spouse, but make sure you don’t do it at the expense of your marriage or yourself.

To Hell and Back: The Descent

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I know that I have been quiet and posting only sporadically lately. Thank you so very much to all those that have commented and checked in, to see how I was and ask for more writing. I hope that the stories will be coming again very soon. I’m finally feeling like writing again.

You see, I’ve had a rough time in my life since February. After much thought, discussion and encouragement, I’m finally ready to talk about it. Not because I think it is anyone’s business, but because I think that I might be able to offer a little help to someone else. I know in the darkest of dark for me, a very special Lady (and I do use that title loosely) offered me some advice, another perspective, a big kick in the ass and all the love that I needed to begin righting the wrong.

I wrote a post on the 11th of February titled “Highs and Lows”. I told about my Grandmother dying and my daughter winning the District Drama Competition, all at the same time. What I omitted from that rollercoaster that I was on, was the fact that Professor had slept with the person I called my best friend all on the same weekend. Yes, we have invited another into our bedroom, but only one, and only when we had long discussions, were all in agreement, and were all together. This happened when I was out of town with my daughter. I found myself alone, mourning my Grandmother, trying to hide everything from my daughter so she could perform at her best. All the while, trying to figure out where the HELL I was going to go, and how I was going to destroy her world when she realized that her father and I were no longer going to be married.

People always want to know how I found out. Professor told me. The indiscretion happened very late the first evening I was gone, after much drinking and flirting. Alcohol is NOT an excuse, but it was a contributing factor. I awoke early to a text asking me to call him as soon as I woke. I had my alarm set REALLY early because the day was packed full of events. I called him right away. The second I heard his voice, I KNEW something was wrong. He came completely clean, confessed EVERYTHING. I was numb, said OK, hung up and proceeded to get cleaned up for the day. Got the kids all dropped off, and had to go find somewhere to hang for the day because parents weren’t allowed at any of the preliminary rounds of the competition. I parked myself in a booth at McDonald’s and opened my laptop to write. I have NO IDEA how long I just stared at my screen. I was jolted back into my reality when my phone rang. I answered it without even looking to see who it was. It was Professor asking me where I was. I told him McDonald’s and he wanted to know which one. See, the second I had hung up with him, he jumped in his truck and drove three hours to where I was to talk with me. The next thing I knew, he walked through the door.

It wasn’t until then that it really hit me. His face said it all. He was beyond pale, and looked like someone had just killed his grandmother and cheated on him. I remember slamming my computer and everything else into my bag and flying out of the restaurant to my car. He forced himself into the passenger seat and refused to leave. We spent the next several hours screaming, crying, sitting in complete silence and spinning. He finally agreed to get out when I had to go so I wouldn’t miss my daughter’s final assembly where they announced the winners. When they called her name, the tears flowed again, but luckily they were for her.

I must admit, the next bit of time was a blur. We drove home and I spent the next several days in bed. I couldn’t eat, sleep and almost put myself into the hospital with severe dehydration. Luckily, I was able to pass it off as a terrible bout of the flu to my family and work. HOW could he have done this to me? HOW could he have thought this was OK? HOW was I EVER going to forgive him? HOW was I EVER going to live without him?

I think three very important things happen to help give me direction. First, I told my mother I was leaving Professor. Looking back, I REALLY shouldn’t have done that since she had just lost her mother, but it ended up being a good thing too. Even though she was completely distraught for herself and me, she also gave me some very good, loving and calming advice. She said that she would support me no matter what, but I needed to remember one thing and it was VERY important. She didn’t know WHAT he was thinking, but she DID know that he loved me VERY much, so she told me to give it a little time before I did anything that I couldn’t change. She made me promise I wouldn’t do anything right away, and I promised.

Secondly, I got that advice from a very special Lady. She was calming, loving, sharing and the exact support I needed at the time. I don’t know what I would have done without her, and I will FOREVER be grateful to her for that. In moments like that, you learn who your true friends REALLY are.

Finally, my husband probably did the most to save our marriage. Yes, he was upfront, completely transparent, remorseful and devastated, but he went one step further than I could have EVER imagined. I was raised in the church and identify as a Christian. I believe in God and speak to him often, but my husband is a non-believer. His family never attended church, but he had always supported me in my desire to believe. One day, when I was in my darkest dark, I was walking into the room when I heard his voice. I found my husband praying. He said that had never believed in God before, but his wife did, and if there was any chance that God did exist, he prayed that he would hear him and save our marriage. He knew he had no right to ask, but he was begging anyway because he needed a miracle and there was no way he could live without me. I was completely stunned. For him to pray, he HAD to be truly desperate. I finally saw a distant light.

There is SO MUCH MORE to this story, and I plan on continuing to give you a glimpse into our journey. I hope, and believe, Professor will also be writing from his perspective. None of this has been easy, and we have suffered setbacks along the way. I am very happy to report that we are slowly, but surely not only recovering, but building an even stronger and better marriage.

For all of those who read this and think that, “There is NO WAY I would have taken him back. Cheat once on me and I’m GONE!” don’t be so sure. I would have said the same thing, AND if I had, I would have completely destroyed my family, lost my very best friend and never known the kind of love that I have found on the other side. So, I am ALWAYS open to comments and concerns. I think that free and open communications lead to greater understanding and learning. But, if you only want to bash and hate without constructive thought or inquiry, I would truly appreciate you keeping your comments to yourself.

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Your Silence is Deafening

Blog Post-4-30-2016-Your Silence is Deafening

What did I do?
What did I say?
Why won’t you talk to me?
Why did you just go away?

Not a word,
Not a sign,
I’ve heard nothing from you,
For a very long time.

I don’t know what I said,
I don’t know what I did,
To deserve this silence.
Will you ever speak to me again?

I miss our interaction.
I miss your strong command.
I want to hear from you.
I’m confused and very sad.

My heart aches,
My stomach churns,
My eyes well with tears,
Will you ever return?

Please tell me why.
Please explain.
Your silence is deafening,
And causing me pain.

Today, I am Lost

Blog Post-4-7-2016-Today, I am Lost

The grey washes over me like a torrential downpour in winter.
The heavy weights around my heart hold me immobile in my chair.
My mind is clouded with thoughts of dreams destroyed.
I mourn the loss of what never was and what will never be.
I know the sun will rise again, but today, I will live in the blackest of night.
Feeling the pain, hurt and loss course through me like a burning poison.
Today, I am lost.

My Best Friend Moved Away


I am very sad today
Because my Best Friend moved away
Your family always comes first
And you can no longer come out and play

I want you here with me
I don’t know what I am going to do
When the playground calls me out
And I don’t have you

The bars no longer beckon
The seesaw no longer dips
The swing no longer flies
The slide no longer slips

I know I will laugh again
When a new friend comes along one day
But it won’t ever be the same
Because my Best Friend moved away

(Picture taken from internet. If you know the origin, please let me know.)

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