missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Archive for the category “Grief”

Unconditional Love

Blog Post-3-20-2018-Unconditional Love

You offer me love
Unconditional
Unless, of course
I don’t meet your conditions

Nobody will ever put us
Asunder
Unless, of course
You ask me to choose

We will always have open
Communication
Unless, of course
You refuse to speak

We are a forever
Family
Unless, of course
You decide to walk away

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I’m Overwhelmed

Blog Post-3-9-2018-I'm Overwhelmed

I’m overwhelmed
Nothing in particular
Just pressure and heaviness

I feel the tears
Sitting just below the surface
Threatening to breech my resolve

I can’t concentrate
Hate the confusion
Could I be losing my mind

I know I’m going to be alright
I know I have support and am loved
So why do I feel this way?

**Just FYI, I’m doing just fine. This was a write from a while ago, although, those feelings do arise from time to time. What I have decided is I feel that way because I just do, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Shitty days happen to everyone.

ENOUGH!!

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Even typing my title has made my skin crawl. How many times have we heard enough is enough? I don’t often dive into anything political, but we are at a point in our history that I believe we must either stand up for what we believe in, or sit back and watch the carnage build.

I am going to begin by letting you know that these are my opinions and I ask that you respect that. I appreciate dissenting views, but won’t stand for personal attacks. I have a WONDERFUL friend that I work with every day that couldn’t be more opposite in her views from me. The reason we are such good friends is that we both respect the other’s right to feel the way they feel. We don’t have to agree, but we do have to respect. I try and give that to all views, and I ask that you do the same.

One violent death at our schools is too many, and we have had hundreds. One violent death at a peaceful social gathering is too many, and we have had hundreds. People are calling for change and action. Others are arguing that it won’t fix the problem. They are both right. No one thing will fix the entire problem, but several things CAN make a difference. Speed limits don’t stop speeding or car deaths, but we accept that we must set limits to attempt to help the greater good.

Mental illness is a huge problem in this country. The mental institutions of the past are NOT the answer, but every man for himself isn’t either. We throw up our hands to obvious signs of mental instability and say, “What can we do?” To be completely honest, I’m not exactly sure. I don’t have any one answer to that question. What I do know is I have to prove myself to buy a house or a car, via my credit score and reliability. WHY shouldn’t I have to AT LEAST do that to buy a gun?

Has anyone else noticed that when the deaths came from airplanes crashing into buildings, the Legislature was ALL OVER it with new restrictions, regulations and guidelines? I recently flew and forgot to take my bottle of water out of my bag. I got searched because I had WATER. However, when it comes to ALL the deaths from gun violence, they seem to be completely incapable of any action of any kind. The airlines need to get a MUCH stronger lobby like the NRA.

People argue that if we start registering guns, they will know exactly where to come and take them. REALLY?! That’s NOT going to happen to good, law abiding citizens, and if it does, let me know and I’ll stand on your front porch and defend them right alongside of you. I have to register my cars, campers, boats and even my dog, so my guns should be a no brainer. And do we really think that 18-year olds who aren’t allowed to buy a beer should have unrestricted access to deadly weapons?

The argument that if they take your AR-15, they will come for your shotguns next seems insane to me. We already accept that rocket launchers and fully automatic weapons aren’t allowed, so why would limiting magazines or weapons of mass killing be any different? NO, it won’t stop everyone from getting one, but if we had stopped just one, there wouldn’t be 17 families planning funerals this week.

Keeping the Feds out of my personal business has also been thrown around. Waving your gun around in the air in a show of freedom is really what you need to protect? As a female, whose vagina has been a HUGE point of discussion and legislation, I can’t help but wonder if we suddenly came after your scrotum, would you continue to wave that gun, or would you suddenly feel the need to use our hands to protect something else?

Nothing will fix everything, but it is time to stop the lip service and make something happen.

Where is my I?

Blog Post-10-11-2017-Where Is My I

I lay naked, bare and raw
Prone on the icy floor
Devoid of life or faith
Unable to muster hope

Limp, languid and cold
Nary a heartbeat heard
Barely a breath exhaled
Devoid of the requisites for simple existence

Yet I live
Wandering day into night
Producing product and commodity
For the appearance of normality

Where is my happiness?
Where is my joy?
Where is my exhilaration?
Where is my I?

 

 

**I was unable to find the creator of this piece of art. If you know, or are the artist, please let me know so I can give proper credit or I will remove it if desired. Thank you.

***Please see first comment below for link to original posting of picture.

Loss

Blog Post-5-13-2017-Loss

First:
You don’t believe
You can’t accept
You refuse to acknowledge
You become numb

Then:
It hurts
It aches
It burns
It damages

Next:
You cry
You scream
You question
You mourn

Eventually:
Searching for acceptance
Searching for condolence
Searching for comfort
Searching for a safe place for the memories to live

Finally:
Remembering
Smiling
Accepting
Forever Loving

Blog Post-5-13-2017-Loss2

All my Love to C XOXOXO!

Your Continued Silence is Deafening

blog-post-1-29-2017-your-continued-silence-is-deafening

You said you needed space and time
But your continued silence is deafening

I asked you too many questions and it angered you
But your continued silence is deafening

I only wanted to give you my friendship and unconditional love
But your continued silence is deafening

I’m trying to honor your choice to pull away, to process
But your continued silence is deafening

I wish you nothing but peace and happiness
But your continued silence is deafening

I am holding on by a thin thread, waiting for your return
But your continued silence is deafening

Maybe I should listen?

blog-post-1-29-2017-your-continued-silence-is-deafening2

Without

blog-post-1-27-2017-without

Edvard Munch, Kneeling Female Nude, 1919

Wanting
Needing
Thinking
Desiring
Craving
Hungering
Yearning
Longing
Missing
…………….
Without

Rebirth

blog-post-11-23-2016-rebirth

Out with the veiled
In with the new
My rebirth
Won’t include you.

Years and experiences
Love and great laughter
Were shared in the past
But not from hereafter.

You will always hold
A special place in my heart
But we no longer work
And I must depart.

When we are together
I feel hidden on a shelf
I refuse to remain concealed
I must reveal my true self.

I wish you only the best
Out on your own
But you will no longer
Be my home.

Good-bye.

**Please know this was inspired by a conversation with a friend and that Professor and I are doing just fine.

Crazy! Sick! Stupid! Recovery!

blog-post-9-30-2016-crazy-sick-stupid-recovery-6

For the past year I have been sinking deeper and deeper into a dark fog.  I kept telling myself that I just needed to get my shit together and everything would be just fine.  Even when I could hold it together for a while, it would all come crashing down and leave me feeling more alone, worthless, empty and sad than the time before.  I actually thought I might be going insane.  But, since that was NOT an option, I continued to try and push through.  Like last November, when I hosted a houseful for Friendsgiving.  Having everyone around was always one of my favorite things, and this time was no different.  However, after everyone had completed the gluttonous meal and sat around laughing and talking, I excused myself.  I went back to my bedroom, retreated to a corner of my closet, sobbed uncontrollably, wiped my face as I stood up, went into the bathroom to splash my face and touch up my make up, then walked back out to the party and began serving pie.  Nobody was the wiser, except me.

blog-post-9-30-2016-crazy-sick-stupid-recovery-stretchedIt all came to a climactic head recently.  I had felt like I was being crushed harder and harder by some invisible weight.  I would get unreasonably angry with my husband for no real good reason.  I would cry at the drop of a feather.  I would go to work during the week, accomplishing next to nothing, and retreat into my bed the second I got home and remain there for the entire weekend.  My husband and I were driving home from dropping off our daughter, and arguing, about what I have NO idea.  We were just about to pull into our driveway, but he kept driving past.  I was FURIOUS!  “LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING TRUCK!!”  He said he wasn’t done talking with me.  So, I opened the door and climbed out onto the running boards and decided to jump.  I guess I didn’t really decide, because I have no idea what I was thinking.  Luckily, my husband grabbed me by the back of my shirt, ripped me backwards into the truck as he hit the brakes.  He was terrified and so was I.  He held me firm as he drove around to our driveway and let me go.  I stormed into the house.  Again, not sure what I was thinking except that everything was dark, heavy and hopeless.  What came next was completely unexpected.  I took my nails and dug a chunk of flesh out of my arm.  Seeing the blood trickling out left me stunned.  I NEEDED HELP!

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I went to my therapist, which I had started seeing with my husband to try and fix our marital issues.  She quickly saw that I needed more help than a bit of extra exercise and talking could fix.  A friend of mine forwarded me a well know test for depression levels and I took it.  I was gob smacked when I scored at a level of Severe Depression.  He informed me that most people at that level were non-functioning.  I just joked that it just meant I was AFUCKINGMAZING because I was functioning just fine.  However, the bandage on my wrist said something different.  I was very lucky to get in with an amazing Psychiatrist very quickly and he diagnosed me as severely depressed and prescribed something to help me sleep and an anti-depressant.

blog-post-9-30-2016-crazy-sick-stupid-recovery-1

This is where the Stupid happened.  I was SO EMBARRASSED!!  What the FUCK did I have to be depressed about?  I have a great husband, two healthy and happy children, a lovely home, a good job, a wonderful family and spectacular friends.  I had really thought that I was just failing to get my shit together.  And the thought that I had in ANY way harmed myself made me want to vomit.  I have kids, for God’s sake.  I wanted to hide it all.  I threatened my husband that if he said anything to anyone, I’d never forgive him.  The bandage was just covering a burn and NOBODY needed to know about the ballet on the running boards.  It wasn’t until I saw my husband’s face, as he told me that he wouldn’t say anything, but he NEVER wanted me to EVER expect our own children to come to us when they had a problem.  The thought crushed me, so I began talking.

Blog Post-9-30-2016-Crazy Sick Stupid Recovery (2).jpg

I am now a ways into my medication and have decided to continue to speak openly by writing this and posting it here.  I have spoken with my mother and she was terribly worried about me, but also relieved because this helped explain why our relationship had been so strained.  I have talked with my kids.  I did not tell them about the exact events of that night, because I don’t think they need to worry about that.  I have told them that I am suffering from some depression and I am also getting help for it via some medication and therapy.  I am talking with friends and have found that this is SO MUCH more common than I ever knew.  In fact, when I told a friend that I worked with what was happening, her eyes began to tear and she said, “Could you please send me that test?  I think I’m having something happening to me too.”  I just hugged her as we both cried.  I am happy to say that she has begun seeking help since.

The BIGGEST part of my recovery is happening through my husband.  That man….I don’t have the words to describe what he has done for me and means to me.  We have suspended our D/s for now.  Although, as I just typed that, I’m not sure we have.  I am pulling myself back together within his strong and loving arms.  When I am frail and fragile, he is my safety and strength.  Every night, he tucks me into bed and rubs my feet until I fall off to sleep.  If I fall asleep on the first foot, he continues onto the second foot as I sleep.  If that isn’t Dominance and Absolute Love…nothing will EVER be.

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If you find yourself feeling off, heavy, dark, foggy, distracted, disorganized, confused, overwhelmed, dazed, unfocused and/or sad, PLEASE GO FIND HELP!!  You are not weak because you reach out.  This wasn’t something I did or didn’t do.  It was an imbalance that I had no control over, but it COMPLETELY controlled me.  I never thought this would happen to me, but it did.  Now, I choose to take back my life and for the first time in over a year, I feel hopeful and happy, and it feels GOOD!!

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To Hell and Back: The Other Woman

Blog Post-7-19-2016-To Hell and Back-The Other Woman 2

In the greater scheme of my life, the woman my husband slept with has become completely insignificant to me.  I have not uttered a word to her since the morning before she slept with my husband, and I never will again.  Oh, it’s been hard not to tell her EXACTLY what I think sometimes.  I did write a post about her on March 28, https://missameliaandsir.wordpress.com/2016/03/28/it-took-nerve-to/ .  It was actually not so much about her, but an outlet for some of my anger and frustrations. She has continued to attempt to insert herself into our lives several times since.  I don’t even care to go into much detail, as I am refusing to give her ANY power anymore.  I am going to move forward and have no regrets leaving her in my dust trail.

The relationship between all of us was very long, 30+ years between Professor and her and 20+ years between her and I, and full of many ups and downs.  She was recently served divorce papers from her husband on their 30th wedding anniversary.  She has been spiraling ever since.  In my post, you will read about a few of the actions she has taken that I have had a very hard time with, fucking my husband of course being the most disturbing.

Professor has completely removed her from his life too.  It’s funny, but I feel kind of bad about that.  Not many people have a 30+ year friendship to talk about.  He has never once complained about it though.  He has done everything to show me that I am his priority and she was just a one night drunk fuck.

I am sure she will continue to pop up in our lives.  She sent me a text the morning after everything happened, while my husband was on his way to find me.  It said, “Sorry.  Hope we can talk about it soon.”  Six weeks later she sent an email outlining all the things she thought that I had done wrong, informing me that she had already apologized and wouldn’t be doing it again.  I kind of thought that 20+ years of friendship deserved more than a 30 character text.  I knew right then, without a doubt, I was DONE!  She has been telling people bold face lies about me, but at this point, if they choose to believe her, whatever.  She sent another email about a month and a half ago, informing us that she had no desire to ever speak with us again and wanted nothing to do with us ever.  Of course, she sent this email while sitting on my father-in-law’s couch.  She had driven 9 hours down to where he lived to spend a weekend.  They only knew each other via my husband, but she thought this was appropriate.  He called Professor after she left and informed him that she was crazy.  I just want her to go away and stay away.

What I have learned from all of this is that you need to pay close attention to who your REAL friends are.  I hadn’t been happy with her in my life for a very long time, but I maintained the friendship for my husband.  He had just accepted her and her husband for who they were, and I tried very hard to do the same.  However, I never got anything of real value back, and am now sorry that I wasted all those years trying to nurture something that didn’t deserve it.  It’s important to do things and accept some things just because they are important to your spouse, but make sure you don’t do it at the expense of your marriage or yourself.

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