missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Archive for the category “Struggles”

An Empaths Journey through Isolation and Covid

It’s been months since the last time I wrote anything for my Blog. With the world-wide quarantine, I can’t really blame it on being super busy. I have continued to keep moving at a steady pace, but my real excuse is that I just haven’t felt like writing. I’ve had plenty of thoughts going through my brain, but they all seem to jumble and crash into each other. I have been struggling, as everyone has, with the consequences of the pandemic we have all experienced.


As someone who tends to have empath characteristics, this has brought an entirely new level of angst and also understanding for me. I take on the feelings of others as if they were my own. When my friends, or even strangers are hurting, I ache with them and for them. I want to put on my superhero cape and swoop in to make everything better. I’ve always joked that my magic wand was in the shop and I guess my cape is too. With all the current turmoil, I’ve been taking a hard look at myself and how I can keep from overwhelming myself with feelings.

First thing I learned is that I sometimes just have to tune the world out. This is especially true when I am experiencing my own struggles. I’m not wanting to shut out those I love and care about, but I also have to make sure to care for myself. I desperately try to communicate so that nobody feels rejected, unfortunately I’m not always successful.


I have also worked on not allowing myself to be overwhelmed by the emotions of others. I won’t say that I am exactly great at this, but I have been attempting to monitor my reactions by analyzing how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way. I can sometimes talk myself through the overwhelming feelings and allow myself to not take them on.


I know that there is nothing special about my experiences during the past year, but they are MY experiences. I’ve attempted to brush them aside because others are worse. I’ve learned that I can’t take on the trials of others by minimizing my own. I know I am truly blessed, but sometimes things can feel shitty for me too.


Probably the most important lesson has been that I am not only NOT a superhero, but swooping in and fixing things isn’t always the best thing for my loved ones either. One friend in particular, had been instrumental in this area. My desire to make her happy, or convince her that it will all be better soon, led her to feeling brushed off or minimized. That was so far from my intention, but it was the result nonetheless. I don’t have to fix everything for everyone. What I really need to do is listen, support and love them through their emotions. Still working on this one too, but I’m trying.


I hope and pray that this pandemic will be over soon. I also realize that there will always be some crisis or troubles ahead. Hopefully, I’ll continue learning as I am faced with them all. Until then, Be Safe, Be Happy, Be Healthy and Be Amazing.

Wake Me

Wake me from this nightmare
I seem trapped in
With every breath I take

Wake me from this isolation
The loneliness of millions
Dismissed by the doubters

Wake me from this turmoil
Unfolding around me
Day in and day out

Wake me from this pain
Crushing the world
With sorrow and hate

Wake me from this travesty
Of lives senselessly lost
Multiplying by the second

Wake me from this chaos
A world stripped barren
Of unconditional love

Wake me.

I’m So Very Sad

I’m So Very Sad. Yesterday, our great friends lost their home to a wildfire. He was the Best Man at our wedding. Everything is gone. They moved there 23 years ago and lived in a wall-tent for the first couple years while they built a rough shell of a home. Since then, they have continued to work on their house, barn and beautiful farm full of fruits, vegetables and animals. In one night, those years of sweat were completely erased into ashes.

We can step back and remember that all family members, human and animal, survived. That will ALWAYS be the most important part. But now what?

I am feeling so very helpless, wondering what to do for them. They have no idea what they even need yet. They can’t wrap their heads around this themselves. It’s a very destitute feeling for everyone.

I have no doubt that they will successfully move forward. They are strong people with a community of friends and family behind them. But for now, we all feel numb.

My Heart Aches

My heart aches
As it breaks
Missing you

My heart is lost
It’s the cost
Of loving you

My heart extends
As it mends
Getting over you

Christmas Eve

It’s Christmas Eve. The tree twinkles with white lights. The stockings hang awaiting their bounty. Gifts are wrapped, cookies baked and the smells of Christmas waft through the rooms. Everyone is scurrying around doing last minute chores, shopping or wrapping, except me. I sit her at my computer, wanting to give thanks and put into words, how I’m feeling this Holiday.


Four years ago, on Christmas, I ran away from home. I felt lost, desperate, confused, and I hate to admit, but suicidal. I fled in the middle of the night, with nowhere to go, so I found myself checking into a hotel just down the road from my house, where my family slept. I can remember climbing into the bed in that room, and closing my eyes, hoping to never awaken. Thankfully, I did.


I awoke to the phone ringing in my room. It was the front desk telling me there was someone in the lobby, claiming to be my husband, that wanted to see me. I told them I’d be right down. Apparently, when he woke and found me gone, he had spent the night attempting to find me and finally tracked my credit card to the hotel. We talked. Can’t say we accomplished anything except he made it crystal clear that he would NOT leave me alone until I came home. So, I did, arriving before anyone else was awake and all still oblivious of my insanity flight the night before.


I tell this story because I have come out the other side of that and am feeling blessed and my heart is full again. It’s taken a Ton of work, even more tears and a willingness on everyone’s part to pick up, move forward and heal. Mostly, it’s been up to me to change the dialogue in my head.
It never mattered what anyone said to me or about me, I was instantly ready to give a list of the reasons that I was ugly, bad and unworthy. Some of that negative self-talk came from what others had said to me, but mostly it was about what I had told myself. While that nasty voice still rears its ugly head, I have learned things I can do to quiet its ass quickly now.


I have a husband I wouldn’t have survived without. My two kids are my entire world and I couldn’t be prouder of them. I am still a bit estranged from my mom, but I guess we are working on it, so that’s something. And I have a group of friends that will call me on my bullshit, give me their sleeve to wipe away my tears and hold my hair after a night out of nothing but fun and laughter. What more could anyone ask for?


So, I am going to enjoy the remainder of today and tomorrow, celebrating with my family. After that, I have no idea what will happen, but I do know that I am excited about the possibilities and look forward to the adventure. Merry Christmas to you and yours and may 2020 be your BEST YEAR Yet!!

I’m Just Fine

I’m just Fine.

I may not be happy

or successful

or special

or fulfilled

or ever enough

But I’ll be just Fine.

The Final Chapter

Now, I have to close the book,
And place it up high on a shelf.

I never wanted the story to end,
But I’ve reached the final page.

No story continues forever,
No matter how badly we want it to.

Someday, I will be able to recall the details
And remember the chapters
With a smile instead of tears.

Goodbye My Past Love

Goodbye my love
You entered my life
Consumed my heart
And changed my life

Goodbye my love
You showed me your heart
Made me want more
And took my breath away

Goodbye my love
You had been wounded
I wanted to be different
And promised forever and always

Goodbye my love
You took me to new elevations
Walked with me through the pouring rain
And frolicked in the sweltering heat

Goodbye my love
You quickly changed
Berated and discarded me
And I wept heavy tears

Goodbye my love
You sucked me back in
Gave me reason to hope
And repeatedly took it all away

Goodbye my love
You now own a piece of my heart
My Forever and Always is real
And I Never wanted it to end

Goodbye my love
You aren’t sure of your feelings now
I will help clarify
And confirm your self-imposed prophecy

Goodbye my past love
Goodbye

You Sit Next to Me

You sit next to me
I’m within reach of your fingers
Aching for touch

You sit next to me
I’m close enough to smell your scent
Unable to inhale

You sit next to me
I’m sensing your soft lips beckoning a taste
Remaining famished

You sit next to me
I’m listening to your every breath
Longing to be breathless

You sit next to me
I’m gazing into your steely eyes
Searching for a hint of fire

Just When I Think

Just when I think
I’ve got it under control
It escapes and tramples me into the ground

Just when I think
The ache has subsided
I find myself battered, bleeding and gasping for air

Just when I think
The battle is over
Another bomb explodes and all hope is lost

Just when I think
I can survive without
I’m reminded its part of my heartbeat, my breath, my happiness

It hurts, just when I think

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