missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Archive for the category “Struggles”

The Final Chapter

Now, I have to close the book,
And place it up high on a shelf.

I never wanted the story to end,
But I’ve reached the final page.

No story continues forever,
No matter how badly we want it to.

Someday, I will be able to recall the details
And remember the chapters
With a smile instead of tears.

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Goodbye My Past Love

Goodbye my love
You entered my life
Consumed my heart
And changed my life

Goodbye my love
You showed me your heart
Made me want more
And took my breath away

Goodbye my love
You had been wounded
I wanted to be different
And promised forever and always

Goodbye my love
You took me to new elevations
Walked with me through the pouring rain
And frolicked in the sweltering heat

Goodbye my love
You quickly changed
Berated and discarded me
And I wept heavy tears

Goodbye my love
You sucked me back in
Gave me reason to hope
And repeatedly took it all away

Goodbye my love
You now own a piece of my heart
My Forever and Always is real
And I Never wanted it to end

Goodbye my love
You aren’t sure of your feelings now
I will help clarify
And confirm your self-imposed prophecy

Goodbye my past love
Goodbye

You Sit Next to Me

You sit next to me
I’m within reach of your fingers
Aching for touch

You sit next to me
I’m close enough to smell your scent
Unable to inhale

You sit next to me
I’m sensing your soft lips beckoning a taste
Remaining famished

You sit next to me
I’m listening to your every breath
Longing to be breathless

You sit next to me
I’m gazing into your steely eyes
Searching for a hint of fire

Just When I Think

Just when I think
I’ve got it under control
It escapes and tramples me into the ground

Just when I think
The ache has subsided
I find myself battered, bleeding and gasping for air

Just when I think
The battle is over
Another bomb explodes and all hope is lost

Just when I think
I can survive without
I’m reminded its part of my heartbeat, my breath, my happiness

It hurts, just when I think

Dying to Desire

DAMN!!! DAMN!!! Double DAMN!!!

I am dying to desire to write again. I have tons going on in my life. I still have naughty stories and fantasies hiding in my twisted mind. I even have extra time suddenly available to me. BUT, it’s just not there!

Since I began taking medication for my depression, I have found the movies that used to play in my head have become slow and foggy. They still play, but I just can’t quite see them clearly anymore. I understand this is partially due to the fact that I am no longer spinning out of control. That is a good thing, but part of me misses the flooding of inspiration.

I LOVE feeling healthy. My relationships with everyone, except my mother, have greatly improved. My children and I are now closer than we have ever been. Professor and I are stronger than I ever imagined possible. Friendships are strong, loving and feeding my soul. We all seem to have a much better understanding of how we have affected each other. Clear and open communication has been key.

I know it is selfish to want it all, but I still do. I want to be healthy, happy and content. I also want to have the feeling of euphoria when my fingers flew and produced something spectacular that I almost had no control over. Guess I’ll just have to keep trying.

Now What?

What do you do if you and someone you love, just can’t see eye to eye on a matter? You can understand that they are hurt, want to make things better, but just doesn’t understand why they are holding on so tightly to this pain? You apologize, listen, support and discuss, but still just don’t see the situation exactly like they do?

I’m experiencing that right now, and I am at a loss as to what to do. I want things to be better. I want things to be healed. I want to help in anyway I can, but I’m struggling to find common ground.

This someone is working EXTREMELY hard to find a way to manage the hurt they are feeling. They are doing everything they should and can to make it better for everyone. I know they want the pain to end as much as, if not more than, I do.

Unfortunately, no matter what we do, we have one situation that we both see through completely different lenses. I don’t have any answers, but I do know one thing to be COMPLETELY True, no matter what happened, is happening or will happen, I will do whatever I can because the Love is stronger than any hurt, we could possibly experience.

Now What?

It Burned SO GOOD!

WE DID IT!!!
I’m gonna start with some background. Anal sex was Completely OFF the table for both of us for years. Neither one of us was interested at all. When D/s and BDSM became part of our lives, suddenly we were discussing the possibilities. Maybe we would try? We might now be interested? Worth a try?
Three years ago, after beginning some play, experimentation and EPIC fails, we were finally successful at penetration. Unfortunately, due to a comedy of errors that were NOT funny at all, it became a disastrous memory. I wrote about my hurt afterwards. https://missameliaandsir.wordpress.com/2015/11/30/i-bared-my-soul/
For the past three years, we waffled between Never again, Maybe, I want to, No Way, Let’s try, Someday. The mental block was by far the Biggest Hurdle, but we had another HUGE problem too. Professor is Extremely Well Hung. We’ve had suggestions that we just stop trying because that thing will NEVER fit Anyone (LUCKY ME!!!). I must admit, I had almost given up any hope of ever having success.
Then came Friday night. Professor had planned an At Home Date night for us. It began with instructions on what to do, what to wear and inform him when I was ready. It proceeded to a private space where we talked, teased, spanked, sweated and fucked hard. It was a perfect evening. We were both tired and climbed into bed to snuggle and drift off to sleep. Being the constant perv he is, Professor began lightly rubbing the tip of his cock over my ass, telling me how much he enjoyed watching my plug move with every thrust. I was enjoying the sensation and asked if he wanted to try one more time. With lube applied, we weren’t sure his partially hard cock would even go in. Finally, with me relaxing and pushing back on his cock, Professor announced he was in. Tentatively, we began our familiar rhythm of thrust and pull. I could feel him growing inside me. It was SO TIGHT and burned, but I didn’t want it to stop. I could hear him reaching the edge of his cliff, so I began asking, “Fuck my ass Daddy. PLEASE Fuck my ass.” With skin tearing in his powerful grip, he climaxed and filled my ass with the first cum it had ever experienced.
I immediately burst into deep, sobbing tears. I couldn’t believe we had done it. Professor, fighting through his own emotions, clutched me tightly and claimed me, “MINE!” It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I wasn’t able to give him my virginity, it was gone before we ever met, but THIS was HIS, and HIS ALONE.
He began checking in on me, asking how I was feeling. I just wanted to lay in this connected space for a few more seconds and bask in the warmth. After we separated, and cleaned up, we couldn’t stop smiling and touching each other. It was a closeness I can’t even describe. We drifted off to sleep, laying close, with his hand resting on my ass cheek and him again declaring, “MINE!”
Epilogue: A couple days later, I’m still a bit sore, and LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT! XOXOXO

Are You Sad?

 

AAbject

Absent

Aggrieved

Anguished

Beautiful Single Alphabet Letter Designs | Letters with Beautiful Single Alphabet Letter DesignsRegret

Repressed

Reluctant

Restless

EErratic

Exposed

Emotional

Excruciating

 

 

YYawn

Yuck

Yielding

Yearning

OOnerous

Ominous

Oppressed

Overwhelmed

UUnhappy

Unfulfilled

Unfocused

Unmotivated

 

 

SSallow

Somber

Suffering

Shattered

AaAfraid

Anxious

Abnormal

Ambivalent

Alphabet Block Letter DDerailed

Depleted

Depressed

Destabilized

question mark

Tell Your Bitch…

Blog Post-9-16-2018-Tell Your Bitch

Tell your Bitch I hope she’s happy
I hope she feels great pride
Because her jealousy took you from me
And a part of me has died

Tell your Bitch I didn’t want to steal you
Or claim you as my own
We were just great companions
When she selfishly left you all alone

Tell your Bitch you did it
Blindsiding and catching me unaware
In a pathetic and heartless text
You crushed a friendship beyond repair

Tell your Bitch that she can have you
Until her cold and bitter end
But when again she fucks you over
I will no long be your friend

I Am Human

IMG_3722

I am human.
Not super human or sub human, just human.

I am organized.
Some days I have all my shit together, and others, I couldn’t find it if my life depended on it.

I am friendly.
I always try to be kind, considerate and understanding, but without warning, my inner psycho bitch can run rampant and destroy everything in her path.

I am loving.
My kind of love can make you fly or lead to the tragic death of all on board.

I am needy.
I have Basic needs that everyone has, and others that are so unique to me, nobody else can even begin to comprehend them.

I am joyous.
My infectious smile can show exhilaration or hide the sorrow that darkens my soul.

I am flesh and blood.
My heart bleeds both euphoria and anguish, sometimes at the same exact time.

I am human.
Nothing more and nothing less.

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