missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Archive for the category “Struggles”

I am Steel

Blog Post-5-20-2018-I am Steel

I am made of steel
You will have to be Superman
If you want to penetrate my defenses

I am a china doll
Cracked and fragile
One tiny tap away from complete oblivion

I am a stick of dynamite
Completely benign
Until lit and violently detonate

I am a delicate rose
Beautiful to behold
And covered in the sharpest thorns

I am the radiant sun
Giving of light and warmth
Capable of leaving you incinerated

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Unconditional Love

Blog Post-3-20-2018-Unconditional Love

You offer me love
Unconditional
Unless, of course
I don’t meet your conditions

Nobody will ever put us
Asunder
Unless, of course
You ask me to choose

We will always have open
Communication
Unless, of course
You refuse to speak

We are a forever
Family
Unless, of course
You decide to walk away

I’m Overwhelmed

Blog Post-3-9-2018-I'm Overwhelmed

I’m overwhelmed
Nothing in particular
Just pressure and heaviness

I feel the tears
Sitting just below the surface
Threatening to breech my resolve

I can’t concentrate
Hate the confusion
Could I be losing my mind

I know I’m going to be alright
I know I have support and am loved
So why do I feel this way?

**Just FYI, I’m doing just fine. This was a write from a while ago, although, those feelings do arise from time to time. What I have decided is I feel that way because I just do, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Shitty days happen to everyone.

ENOUGH!!

200148614-001

Even typing my title has made my skin crawl. How many times have we heard enough is enough? I don’t often dive into anything political, but we are at a point in our history that I believe we must either stand up for what we believe in, or sit back and watch the carnage build.

I am going to begin by letting you know that these are my opinions and I ask that you respect that. I appreciate dissenting views, but won’t stand for personal attacks. I have a WONDERFUL friend that I work with every day that couldn’t be more opposite in her views from me. The reason we are such good friends is that we both respect the other’s right to feel the way they feel. We don’t have to agree, but we do have to respect. I try and give that to all views, and I ask that you do the same.

One violent death at our schools is too many, and we have had hundreds. One violent death at a peaceful social gathering is too many, and we have had hundreds. People are calling for change and action. Others are arguing that it won’t fix the problem. They are both right. No one thing will fix the entire problem, but several things CAN make a difference. Speed limits don’t stop speeding or car deaths, but we accept that we must set limits to attempt to help the greater good.

Mental illness is a huge problem in this country. The mental institutions of the past are NOT the answer, but every man for himself isn’t either. We throw up our hands to obvious signs of mental instability and say, “What can we do?” To be completely honest, I’m not exactly sure. I don’t have any one answer to that question. What I do know is I have to prove myself to buy a house or a car, via my credit score and reliability. WHY shouldn’t I have to AT LEAST do that to buy a gun?

Has anyone else noticed that when the deaths came from airplanes crashing into buildings, the Legislature was ALL OVER it with new restrictions, regulations and guidelines? I recently flew and forgot to take my bottle of water out of my bag. I got searched because I had WATER. However, when it comes to ALL the deaths from gun violence, they seem to be completely incapable of any action of any kind. The airlines need to get a MUCH stronger lobby like the NRA.

People argue that if we start registering guns, they will know exactly where to come and take them. REALLY?! That’s NOT going to happen to good, law abiding citizens, and if it does, let me know and I’ll stand on your front porch and defend them right alongside of you. I have to register my cars, campers, boats and even my dog, so my guns should be a no brainer. And do we really think that 18-year olds who aren’t allowed to buy a beer should have unrestricted access to deadly weapons?

The argument that if they take your AR-15, they will come for your shotguns next seems insane to me. We already accept that rocket launchers and fully automatic weapons aren’t allowed, so why would limiting magazines or weapons of mass killing be any different? NO, it won’t stop everyone from getting one, but if we had stopped just one, there wouldn’t be 17 families planning funerals this week.

Keeping the Feds out of my personal business has also been thrown around. Waving your gun around in the air in a show of freedom is really what you need to protect? As a female, whose vagina has been a HUGE point of discussion and legislation, I can’t help but wonder if we suddenly came after your scrotum, would you continue to wave that gun, or would you suddenly feel the need to use our hands to protect something else?

Nothing will fix everything, but it is time to stop the lip service and make something happen.

Where is my I?

Blog Post-10-11-2017-Where Is My I

I lay naked, bare and raw
Prone on the icy floor
Devoid of life or faith
Unable to muster hope

Limp, languid and cold
Nary a heartbeat heard
Barely a breath exhaled
Devoid of the requisites for simple existence

Yet I live
Wandering day into night
Producing product and commodity
For the appearance of normality

Where is my happiness?
Where is my joy?
Where is my exhilaration?
Where is my I?

 

 

**I was unable to find the creator of this piece of art. If you know, or are the artist, please let me know so I can give proper credit or I will remove it if desired. Thank you.

***Please see first comment below for link to original posting of picture.

Loss

Blog Post-5-13-2017-Loss

First:
You don’t believe
You can’t accept
You refuse to acknowledge
You become numb

Then:
It hurts
It aches
It burns
It damages

Next:
You cry
You scream
You question
You mourn

Eventually:
Searching for acceptance
Searching for condolence
Searching for comfort
Searching for a safe place for the memories to live

Finally:
Remembering
Smiling
Accepting
Forever Loving

Blog Post-5-13-2017-Loss2

All my Love to C XOXOXO!

Flip Flop Rumble Roll

Blog Post-4-21-2017-Flip Flop Rumble Roll

I flip, flop
I rumble, roll
I swirl, spin
I just don’t know

I can’t think clearly
I can’t make sense
I can’t come to conclusions
It’s all becoming too intense

I won’t break
I won’t cry
I’ll keep it together
If only on the outside

I can do it
I can succeed
I can conquer
Or I will bleed

Life

Life keeps happening. It keeps happening no matter what your plans are or how much you could REALLY use a break. It happens no matter what you want or what you think you deserve. It happens, and we just have to embrace it and roll with the punches.

I have wanted to write for SO LONG now, but life has seemed to preempt any attempts that I have made to do just that. Today, I am going to tell life to kiss my ass for the next ten minutes so I can get this done. I use my blog as a sort of cathartic place to rant and as a virtual diary of my life.

Dear Blog Diary,

I am feeling better, but have still had some struggles lately. I don’t feel like I did when I was living in the deep darkness, but I have been overwhelmed. I know everyone feels this from time to time, but I must admit, when it happens to me, I get really scared that I am getting sick again. So, that is the first thing I must deal with.

My daughter came to her father and I and informed us that she has been purging. I couldn’t breathe. How did I not know? How could this have happened? What did I do wrong? I have realized that I did nothing wrong, missed nothing and can only adjust and move forward from here. Turns out, she was harboring a LOT of anger toward her father and I, and she felt abandoned and unloved. That, I did do. Not on purpose, as I was drowning in my own darkness, but I wasn’t communicating openly with her and she turned it into feelings of abandonment and lack of caring. With the help of therapy, TONS of talking, and an abundance of love, I am happy to say we are ALL doing better. We will continue to monitor and seek professional help, but she is on the way to recovery and we are on the way to being an even stronger family. Oh, and she had her first car accident. Scared the shit out of me, but everyone was fine and all vehicles are fixed and running again.

My son has lost his job. Well, not technically until the end of the term, but they have cut his program from the budget. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this will only lead to bigger and better things for him. He is an incredibly bright young man and will find a way to succeed, no matter what life throws at him.

Work is work. Crazy, busy, unpredictable and exhausting. However, for the first time in a couple of years, I come home exhausted, but not in tears, so that’s a positive, right?

A rough winter has led to several new additions to the To Do List. Ice dams caused leaks in the roof. Roof shedding took out a fence. The heaving of ice and snow pushed out several joist supports on the deck. And the holes in the chicken coops and play house must be fixed. Mother Nature was a REAL BITCH this year.

My marriage is better than EVER! We have been to hell and back this past year and come out of it stronger and more connected. I wasn’t sure we could ever resume our D/s, but we are both finding it to actually be easier and deeper than ever before. Thank you for sticking with me Sir.
Like I said, not much time for writing, but some juicy stuff in process. I know what I want to write, now to just find the time. My mind has been full, but just as dirty and disturbing as ever.

We have also had WONDERFUL things happening, Trips with friends, another friend, who battles with depression and PTSD that is winning his battle, A London trip in the future. Life is really good. Crazy, but REALLY GOOD! All for now, I must get ready to see friends!

XOXOXO

Without

blog-post-1-27-2017-without

Edvard Munch, Kneeling Female Nude, 1919

Wanting
Needing
Thinking
Desiring
Craving
Hungering
Yearning
Longing
Missing
…………….
Without

Dear 2016

blog-post-1-4-2017-dear-2016

Dear 2016,

I just wanted to drop you a quick letter to let you know how much you have meant to me. I knew our time together was limited, but we were able to pack SO MUCH into our quick 365 days.

We started off the year with quite a bang, when you delivered a little infidelity and a death into my life. It cost me a Grandmother and what I thought was a friend. It almost cost me a marriage, but luckily, that was saved. It was a truly cruel joke to play, but by playing it at the beginning of the year gave us plenty of time to work through it.

The way you orchestrated such AMAZING things for my daughter was quite brilliant. The wins at Drama Districts and then having her compete at State made for a magnificent experience. Watching her perform on stage was lovely. Her love of the outdoors and animals was nourished by your choices. Can’t say that I was thrilled when you made our daughter eligible to drive. And finally, thank you for your choices in friends for her. I approved.

As for my son, you let him travel rather unscathed this year, until you decided to crash him and his truck into that lady. I didn’t particularly appreciate that, but at least you let everyone walk away, so thank you for that.

You took my husband and myself on several wonderful trips.
We were able to visit our crazy friends in Colorado. I knew she was crazy before we went, but after meeting in person, I have decided he must be too. Either that, or he is up for Sainthood, but knowing the things they do, I doubt that is the case.
We got to hang with my Soul Sister and her husband both here and at their house. Bringing them into our lives was quite the gift. You know EXACTLY what you had planned for us, and what we did! THANKS!!! 😉
When you gave us the two week camping trip, I must admit, I was skeptical. Two weeks in a trailer? Well, you were right and it was AFUCKINGMAZING!! You provided Good Friends, Lots of Laughs, Awesome Music and time to work on repairing your beginning of year gift. All were Priceless.
Burning Man was a last second surprise! All I can say is WOW!!!

The people I you peppered throughout the year were such a wonderful variety of flavors. Crazy in Colorado. Zesty in Arizona. HOT and Spicy under my covers. Tempting in California. Tantalizing in Tennessee. Mouthwatering in Montana. Delectable in Michigan. Georgia is a Peach (schnapps of course). Nutty in New England. And the flavors go on and on. YUMMY!!

The biggest bombshell of the year was when you finally made me realize that I was suffering from severe depression. I think you were in cahoots with 2015 and possibly 2014. I appreciate you putting an end to the cruel joke and getting me help. Make sure 2017 knows everything so we won’t have to tell 2018 anything.

This year you provided laughter, tears, terror, relief, confusion, clarity, anger, happiness ups, downs, goods, bads and, most importantly, LOVE. LOTS and LOTS of LOVE!! I won’t say I’m happy to see you go, but I also know you can’t stay. I hope that 2017 will provide even more adventures to enjoy. Thank you 2016. I will NEVER forget you.

Love & Memories
Me

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