missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Archive for the category “Struggles”

Where is my I?

Blog Post-10-11-2017-Where Is My I

I lay naked, bare and raw
Prone on the icy floor
Devoid of life or faith
Unable to muster hope

Limp, languid and cold
Nary a heartbeat heard
Barely a breath exhaled
Devoid of the requisites for simple existence

Yet I live
Wandering day into night
Producing product and commodity
For the appearance of normality

Where is my happiness?
Where is my joy?
Where is my exhilaration?
Where is my I?

 

 

**I was unable to find the creator of this piece of art. If you know, or are the artist, please let me know so I can give proper credit or I will remove it if desired. Thank you.

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Loss

Blog Post-5-13-2017-Loss

First:
You don’t believe
You can’t accept
You refuse to acknowledge
You become numb

Then:
It hurts
It aches
It burns
It damages

Next:
You cry
You scream
You question
You mourn

Eventually:
Searching for acceptance
Searching for condolence
Searching for comfort
Searching for a safe place for the memories to live

Finally:
Remembering
Smiling
Accepting
Forever Loving

Blog Post-5-13-2017-Loss2

All my Love to C XOXOXO!

Flip Flop Rumble Roll

Blog Post-4-21-2017-Flip Flop Rumble Roll

I flip, flop
I rumble, roll
I swirl, spin
I just don’t know

I can’t think clearly
I can’t make sense
I can’t come to conclusions
It’s all becoming too intense

I won’t break
I won’t cry
I’ll keep it together
If only on the outside

I can do it
I can succeed
I can conquer
Or I will bleed

Life

Life keeps happening. It keeps happening no matter what your plans are or how much you could REALLY use a break. It happens no matter what you want or what you think you deserve. It happens, and we just have to embrace it and roll with the punches.

I have wanted to write for SO LONG now, but life has seemed to preempt any attempts that I have made to do just that. Today, I am going to tell life to kiss my ass for the next ten minutes so I can get this done. I use my blog as a sort of cathartic place to rant and as a virtual diary of my life.

Dear Blog Diary,

I am feeling better, but have still had some struggles lately. I don’t feel like I did when I was living in the deep darkness, but I have been overwhelmed. I know everyone feels this from time to time, but I must admit, when it happens to me, I get really scared that I am getting sick again. So, that is the first thing I must deal with.

My daughter came to her father and I and informed us that she has been purging. I couldn’t breathe. How did I not know? How could this have happened? What did I do wrong? I have realized that I did nothing wrong, missed nothing and can only adjust and move forward from here. Turns out, she was harboring a LOT of anger toward her father and I, and she felt abandoned and unloved. That, I did do. Not on purpose, as I was drowning in my own darkness, but I wasn’t communicating openly with her and she turned it into feelings of abandonment and lack of caring. With the help of therapy, TONS of talking, and an abundance of love, I am happy to say we are ALL doing better. We will continue to monitor and seek professional help, but she is on the way to recovery and we are on the way to being an even stronger family. Oh, and she had her first car accident. Scared the shit out of me, but everyone was fine and all vehicles are fixed and running again.

My son has lost his job. Well, not technically until the end of the term, but they have cut his program from the budget. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this will only lead to bigger and better things for him. He is an incredibly bright young man and will find a way to succeed, no matter what life throws at him.

Work is work. Crazy, busy, unpredictable and exhausting. However, for the first time in a couple of years, I come home exhausted, but not in tears, so that’s a positive, right?

A rough winter has led to several new additions to the To Do List. Ice dams caused leaks in the roof. Roof shedding took out a fence. The heaving of ice and snow pushed out several joist supports on the deck. And the holes in the chicken coops and play house must be fixed. Mother Nature was a REAL BITCH this year.

My marriage is better than EVER! We have been to hell and back this past year and come out of it stronger and more connected. I wasn’t sure we could ever resume our D/s, but we are both finding it to actually be easier and deeper than ever before. Thank you for sticking with me Sir.
Like I said, not much time for writing, but some juicy stuff in process. I know what I want to write, now to just find the time. My mind has been full, but just as dirty and disturbing as ever.

We have also had WONDERFUL things happening, Trips with friends, another friend, who battles with depression and PTSD that is winning his battle, A London trip in the future. Life is really good. Crazy, but REALLY GOOD! All for now, I must get ready to see friends!

XOXOXO

Without

blog-post-1-27-2017-without

Edvard Munch, Kneeling Female Nude, 1919

Wanting
Needing
Thinking
Desiring
Craving
Hungering
Yearning
Longing
Missing
…………….
Without

Dear 2016

blog-post-1-4-2017-dear-2016

Dear 2016,

I just wanted to drop you a quick letter to let you know how much you have meant to me. I knew our time together was limited, but we were able to pack SO MUCH into our quick 365 days.

We started off the year with quite a bang, when you delivered a little infidelity and a death into my life. It cost me a Grandmother and what I thought was a friend. It almost cost me a marriage, but luckily, that was saved. It was a truly cruel joke to play, but by playing it at the beginning of the year gave us plenty of time to work through it.

The way you orchestrated such AMAZING things for my daughter was quite brilliant. The wins at Drama Districts and then having her compete at State made for a magnificent experience. Watching her perform on stage was lovely. Her love of the outdoors and animals was nourished by your choices. Can’t say that I was thrilled when you made our daughter eligible to drive. And finally, thank you for your choices in friends for her. I approved.

As for my son, you let him travel rather unscathed this year, until you decided to crash him and his truck into that lady. I didn’t particularly appreciate that, but at least you let everyone walk away, so thank you for that.

You took my husband and myself on several wonderful trips.
We were able to visit our crazy friends in Colorado. I knew she was crazy before we went, but after meeting in person, I have decided he must be too. Either that, or he is up for Sainthood, but knowing the things they do, I doubt that is the case.
We got to hang with my Soul Sister and her husband both here and at their house. Bringing them into our lives was quite the gift. You know EXACTLY what you had planned for us, and what we did! THANKS!!! 😉
When you gave us the two week camping trip, I must admit, I was skeptical. Two weeks in a trailer? Well, you were right and it was AFUCKINGMAZING!! You provided Good Friends, Lots of Laughs, Awesome Music and time to work on repairing your beginning of year gift. All were Priceless.
Burning Man was a last second surprise! All I can say is WOW!!!

The people I you peppered throughout the year were such a wonderful variety of flavors. Crazy in Colorado. Zesty in Arizona. HOT and Spicy under my covers. Tempting in California. Tantalizing in Tennessee. Mouthwatering in Montana. Delectable in Michigan. Georgia is a Peach (schnapps of course). Nutty in New England. And the flavors go on and on. YUMMY!!

The biggest bombshell of the year was when you finally made me realize that I was suffering from severe depression. I think you were in cahoots with 2015 and possibly 2014. I appreciate you putting an end to the cruel joke and getting me help. Make sure 2017 knows everything so we won’t have to tell 2018 anything.

This year you provided laughter, tears, terror, relief, confusion, clarity, anger, happiness ups, downs, goods, bads and, most importantly, LOVE. LOTS and LOTS of LOVE!! I won’t say I’m happy to see you go, but I also know you can’t stay. I hope that 2017 will provide even more adventures to enjoy. Thank you 2016. I will NEVER forget you.

Love & Memories
Me

The Awakening

A Friend of mine posted this on her blog.  It is private, so I had to copy and paste it here.  It moved me to tears because it describes what I have been experiencing perfectly.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

The Awakening
DECEMBER 18, 2016 ~ KRISTI
in a recent post about death i spoke about how i experienced an awakening and i wanted to share more about what that felt like. i did not pen these words but i very well could have as they describe exactly what happened to me and when i read them for the first time, there was very much a yes, Yes, YES exclamation that i was not alone in what i was feeling. i hope that you can find the same comfort and strength in this as i was able too.

The Awakening ~ Sonny Carrol

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it … When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.” And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

……….This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

– how you should look and how much you should weigh,
– what you should wear and where you should shop,
– where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
– who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
– who you should marry and why you should stay,
– the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect ,and that not everyone will love appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK… they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10″…. Or a perfect human being for that matter… and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in “giving” that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of “creating” and “contributing” rather than “obtaining” and “accumulating.”

And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about – a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships – how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through… and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns – anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say “I was wrong” and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your” standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.” Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know – Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God… but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time – FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY… the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Rebirth

blog-post-11-23-2016-rebirth

Out with the veiled
In with the new
My rebirth
Won’t include you.

Years and experiences
Love and great laughter
Were shared in the past
But not from hereafter.

You will always hold
A special place in my heart
But we no longer work
And I must depart.

When we are together
I feel hidden on a shelf
I refuse to remain concealed
I must reveal my true self.

I wish you only the best
Out on your own
But you will no longer
Be my home.

Good-bye.

**Please know this was inspired by a conversation with a friend and that Professor and I are doing just fine.

Lost

blog-post-11-21-2016-lost

I am here
With nowhere to go
On a journey
To where, unknown.

I have roots
And wings to fly
To unknown places
Through the sky.

I know where I’ve been
But not where I am
I have a vision
But no plan.

I will pay the toll
And exact the cost
Because even though I’m here
I am lost.

**this was written after a conversation with a friend. I am doing just fine. xoxoxo

Quick Check In

blog-post-11-13-2016-quick-check-in-1

Just thought I would give a quick update of where I was in controlling my crazy.

I’m FUCKING GREAT!!!

Don’t misunderstand, life is NOT perfect, but it is so much better. Finally discovering and admitting that I was suffering from depression was a serious blow to everything I thought about myself and my life. I have discovered that I am NOT super-human. I am NOT invincible. I do NOT have to meet every need of every person I ever come in contact with. I can NOT do everything by myself. I do NOT have to say yes to every request for my time and attention.

I have learned that I CAN say no. I AM a good person even when I do say no. I CAN ask for help and accept it when I need it, even when I don’t. I AM perfect with all my imperfections. I AM a good person and I deserve good things.

There have been steps backwards and will be hard times ahead, but for the first time in a LONG time, I’m ready to face them. The recent election has proven that to me. The results broke my heart, but they didn’t break me. In fact, they only increased my resolve to continue to get stronger and fight harder.

My marriage has taken a turn for the better too. My husband NEVER left my side, but things did get really rough. Whenever we tried to address anything, my body reacted by going to sleep, sometimes mid-conversation. It was my brains response to feeling overwhelmed. Now, we are talking as deep as, if not deeper than we ever have and I have no need to snore mid-sentence.

I wanted to share this because so many of you have contacted me and sent such warmth and love, that I wanted the opportunity to say thank you and let you know your wishes have only helped me recover and grow stronger. It is wonderful how love can provide so much more strength than hate ever could.

For anyone that might be suffering from depression or just feeling out of control and heavy, GET HELP!! You are NOT crazy, you are just sick. I think mental illness is better understood now than at any other point in history, but there is still a resistance to address is openly by many, including me. Just because my illness was in my head, doesn’t make it any less damaging than if I had cancer or a major traumatic injury. Know you are NOT alone and there IS help out there. If you don’t find it in the first place you look for help, keep looking. Life can be better, happy and worth living again, PROMISE!!

blog-post-11-13-2016-quick-check-in-1

So THANK YOU to everyone out there for reading, commenting, loving and supporting me through this. Now I’m finally feeling ready to getting back to the TRULY important things, writing fun, sexy stories! 🙂

blog-post-11-13-2016-quick-check-in-2

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