missameliaandsir

Thoughts on an ever-evolving life

Archive for the tag “Grief”

Loss

Blog Post-5-13-2017-Loss

First:
You don’t believe
You can’t accept
You refuse to acknowledge
You become numb

Then:
It hurts
It aches
It burns
It damages

Next:
You cry
You scream
You question
You mourn

Eventually:
Searching for acceptance
Searching for condolence
Searching for comfort
Searching for a safe place for the memories to live

Finally:
Remembering
Smiling
Accepting
Forever Loving

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All my Love to C XOXOXO!

Your Continued Silence is Deafening

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You said you needed space and time
But your continued silence is deafening

I asked you too many questions and it angered you
But your continued silence is deafening

I only wanted to give you my friendship and unconditional love
But your continued silence is deafening

I’m trying to honor your choice to pull away, to process
But your continued silence is deafening

I wish you nothing but peace and happiness
But your continued silence is deafening

I am holding on by a thin thread, waiting for your return
But your continued silence is deafening

Maybe I should listen?

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Without

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Edvard Munch, Kneeling Female Nude, 1919

Wanting
Needing
Thinking
Desiring
Craving
Hungering
Yearning
Longing
Missing
…………….
Without

The Awakening

A Friend of mine posted this on her blog.  It is private, so I had to copy and paste it here.  It moved me to tears because it describes what I have been experiencing perfectly.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

The Awakening
DECEMBER 18, 2016 ~ KRISTI
in a recent post about death i spoke about how i experienced an awakening and i wanted to share more about what that felt like. i did not pen these words but i very well could have as they describe exactly what happened to me and when i read them for the first time, there was very much a yes, Yes, YES exclamation that i was not alone in what i was feeling. i hope that you can find the same comfort and strength in this as i was able too.

The Awakening ~ Sonny Carrol

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it … When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.” And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

……….This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

– how you should look and how much you should weigh,
– what you should wear and where you should shop,
– where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
– who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
– who you should marry and why you should stay,
– the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect ,and that not everyone will love appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK… they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10″…. Or a perfect human being for that matter… and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in “giving” that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of “creating” and “contributing” rather than “obtaining” and “accumulating.”

And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about – a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships – how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through… and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns – anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say “I was wrong” and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your” standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.” Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know – Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God… but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time – FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY… the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Rebirth

blog-post-11-23-2016-rebirth

Out with the veiled
In with the new
My rebirth
Won’t include you.

Years and experiences
Love and great laughter
Were shared in the past
But not from hereafter.

You will always hold
A special place in my heart
But we no longer work
And I must depart.

When we are together
I feel hidden on a shelf
I refuse to remain concealed
I must reveal my true self.

I wish you only the best
Out on your own
But you will no longer
Be my home.

Good-bye.

**Please know this was inspired by a conversation with a friend and that Professor and I are doing just fine.

Crazy! Sick! Stupid! Recovery!

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For the past year I have been sinking deeper and deeper into a dark fog.  I kept telling myself that I just needed to get my shit together and everything would be just fine.  Even when I could hold it together for a while, it would all come crashing down and leave me feeling more alone, worthless, empty and sad than the time before.  I actually thought I might be going insane.  But, since that was NOT an option, I continued to try and push through.  Like last November, when I hosted a houseful for Friendsgiving.  Having everyone around was always one of my favorite things, and this time was no different.  However, after everyone had completed the gluttonous meal and sat around laughing and talking, I excused myself.  I went back to my bedroom, retreated to a corner of my closet, sobbed uncontrollably, wiped my face as I stood up, went into the bathroom to splash my face and touch up my make up, then walked back out to the party and began serving pie.  Nobody was the wiser, except me.

blog-post-9-30-2016-crazy-sick-stupid-recovery-stretchedIt all came to a climactic head recently.  I had felt like I was being crushed harder and harder by some invisible weight.  I would get unreasonably angry with my husband for no real good reason.  I would cry at the drop of a feather.  I would go to work during the week, accomplishing next to nothing, and retreat into my bed the second I got home and remain there for the entire weekend.  My husband and I were driving home from dropping off our daughter, and arguing, about what I have NO idea.  We were just about to pull into our driveway, but he kept driving past.  I was FURIOUS!  “LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING TRUCK!!”  He said he wasn’t done talking with me.  So, I opened the door and climbed out onto the running boards and decided to jump.  I guess I didn’t really decide, because I have no idea what I was thinking.  Luckily, my husband grabbed me by the back of my shirt, ripped me backwards into the truck as he hit the brakes.  He was terrified and so was I.  He held me firm as he drove around to our driveway and let me go.  I stormed into the house.  Again, not sure what I was thinking except that everything was dark, heavy and hopeless.  What came next was completely unexpected.  I took my nails and dug a chunk of flesh out of my arm.  Seeing the blood trickling out left me stunned.  I NEEDED HELP!

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I went to my therapist, which I had started seeing with my husband to try and fix our marital issues.  She quickly saw that I needed more help than a bit of extra exercise and talking could fix.  A friend of mine forwarded me a well know test for depression levels and I took it.  I was gob smacked when I scored at a level of Severe Depression.  He informed me that most people at that level were non-functioning.  I just joked that it just meant I was AFUCKINGMAZING because I was functioning just fine.  However, the bandage on my wrist said something different.  I was very lucky to get in with an amazing Psychiatrist very quickly and he diagnosed me as severely depressed and prescribed something to help me sleep and an anti-depressant.

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This is where the Stupid happened.  I was SO EMBARRASSED!!  What the FUCK did I have to be depressed about?  I have a great husband, two healthy and happy children, a lovely home, a good job, a wonderful family and spectacular friends.  I had really thought that I was just failing to get my shit together.  And the thought that I had in ANY way harmed myself made me want to vomit.  I have kids, for God’s sake.  I wanted to hide it all.  I threatened my husband that if he said anything to anyone, I’d never forgive him.  The bandage was just covering a burn and NOBODY needed to know about the ballet on the running boards.  It wasn’t until I saw my husband’s face, as he told me that he wouldn’t say anything, but he NEVER wanted me to EVER expect our own children to come to us when they had a problem.  The thought crushed me, so I began talking.

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I am now a ways into my medication and have decided to continue to speak openly by writing this and posting it here.  I have spoken with my mother and she was terribly worried about me, but also relieved because this helped explain why our relationship had been so strained.  I have talked with my kids.  I did not tell them about the exact events of that night, because I don’t think they need to worry about that.  I have told them that I am suffering from some depression and I am also getting help for it via some medication and therapy.  I am talking with friends and have found that this is SO MUCH more common than I ever knew.  In fact, when I told a friend that I worked with what was happening, her eyes began to tear and she said, “Could you please send me that test?  I think I’m having something happening to me too.”  I just hugged her as we both cried.  I am happy to say that she has begun seeking help since.

The BIGGEST part of my recovery is happening through my husband.  That man….I don’t have the words to describe what he has done for me and means to me.  We have suspended our D/s for now.  Although, as I just typed that, I’m not sure we have.  I am pulling myself back together within his strong and loving arms.  When I am frail and fragile, he is my safety and strength.  Every night, he tucks me into bed and rubs my feet until I fall off to sleep.  If I fall asleep on the first foot, he continues onto the second foot as I sleep.  If that isn’t Dominance and Absolute Love…nothing will EVER be.

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If you find yourself feeling off, heavy, dark, foggy, distracted, disorganized, confused, overwhelmed, dazed, unfocused and/or sad, PLEASE GO FIND HELP!!  You are not weak because you reach out.  This wasn’t something I did or didn’t do.  It was an imbalance that I had no control over, but it COMPLETELY controlled me.  I never thought this would happen to me, but it did.  Now, I choose to take back my life and for the first time in over a year, I feel hopeful and happy, and it feels GOOD!!

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To Hell and Back: The Descent

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I know that I have been quiet and posting only sporadically lately. Thank you so very much to all those that have commented and checked in, to see how I was and ask for more writing. I hope that the stories will be coming again very soon. I’m finally feeling like writing again.

You see, I’ve had a rough time in my life since February. After much thought, discussion and encouragement, I’m finally ready to talk about it. Not because I think it is anyone’s business, but because I think that I might be able to offer a little help to someone else. I know in the darkest of dark for me, a very special Lady (and I do use that title loosely) offered me some advice, another perspective, a big kick in the ass and all the love that I needed to begin righting the wrong.

I wrote a post on the 11th of February titled “Highs and Lows”. I told about my Grandmother dying and my daughter winning the District Drama Competition, all at the same time. What I omitted from that rollercoaster that I was on, was the fact that Professor had slept with the person I called my best friend all on the same weekend. Yes, we have invited another into our bedroom, but only one, and only when we had long discussions, were all in agreement, and were all together. This happened when I was out of town with my daughter. I found myself alone, mourning my Grandmother, trying to hide everything from my daughter so she could perform at her best. All the while, trying to figure out where the HELL I was going to go, and how I was going to destroy her world when she realized that her father and I were no longer going to be married.

People always want to know how I found out. Professor told me. The indiscretion happened very late the first evening I was gone, after much drinking and flirting. Alcohol is NOT an excuse, but it was a contributing factor. I awoke early to a text asking me to call him as soon as I woke. I had my alarm set REALLY early because the day was packed full of events. I called him right away. The second I heard his voice, I KNEW something was wrong. He came completely clean, confessed EVERYTHING. I was numb, said OK, hung up and proceeded to get cleaned up for the day. Got the kids all dropped off, and had to go find somewhere to hang for the day because parents weren’t allowed at any of the preliminary rounds of the competition. I parked myself in a booth at McDonald’s and opened my laptop to write. I have NO IDEA how long I just stared at my screen. I was jolted back into my reality when my phone rang. I answered it without even looking to see who it was. It was Professor asking me where I was. I told him McDonald’s and he wanted to know which one. See, the second I had hung up with him, he jumped in his truck and drove three hours to where I was to talk with me. The next thing I knew, he walked through the door.

It wasn’t until then that it really hit me. His face said it all. He was beyond pale, and looked like someone had just killed his grandmother and cheated on him. I remember slamming my computer and everything else into my bag and flying out of the restaurant to my car. He forced himself into the passenger seat and refused to leave. We spent the next several hours screaming, crying, sitting in complete silence and spinning. He finally agreed to get out when I had to go so I wouldn’t miss my daughter’s final assembly where they announced the winners. When they called her name, the tears flowed again, but luckily they were for her.

I must admit, the next bit of time was a blur. We drove home and I spent the next several days in bed. I couldn’t eat, sleep and almost put myself into the hospital with severe dehydration. Luckily, I was able to pass it off as a terrible bout of the flu to my family and work. HOW could he have done this to me? HOW could he have thought this was OK? HOW was I EVER going to forgive him? HOW was I EVER going to live without him?

I think three very important things happen to help give me direction. First, I told my mother I was leaving Professor. Looking back, I REALLY shouldn’t have done that since she had just lost her mother, but it ended up being a good thing too. Even though she was completely distraught for herself and me, she also gave me some very good, loving and calming advice. She said that she would support me no matter what, but I needed to remember one thing and it was VERY important. She didn’t know WHAT he was thinking, but she DID know that he loved me VERY much, so she told me to give it a little time before I did anything that I couldn’t change. She made me promise I wouldn’t do anything right away, and I promised.

Secondly, I got that advice from a very special Lady. She was calming, loving, sharing and the exact support I needed at the time. I don’t know what I would have done without her, and I will FOREVER be grateful to her for that. In moments like that, you learn who your true friends REALLY are.

Finally, my husband probably did the most to save our marriage. Yes, he was upfront, completely transparent, remorseful and devastated, but he went one step further than I could have EVER imagined. I was raised in the church and identify as a Christian. I believe in God and speak to him often, but my husband is a non-believer. His family never attended church, but he had always supported me in my desire to believe. One day, when I was in my darkest dark, I was walking into the room when I heard his voice. I found my husband praying. He said that had never believed in God before, but his wife did, and if there was any chance that God did exist, he prayed that he would hear him and save our marriage. He knew he had no right to ask, but he was begging anyway because he needed a miracle and there was no way he could live without me. I was completely stunned. For him to pray, he HAD to be truly desperate. I finally saw a distant light.

There is SO MUCH MORE to this story, and I plan on continuing to give you a glimpse into our journey. I hope, and believe, Professor will also be writing from his perspective. None of this has been easy, and we have suffered setbacks along the way. I am very happy to report that we are slowly, but surely not only recovering, but building an even stronger and better marriage.

For all of those who read this and think that, “There is NO WAY I would have taken him back. Cheat once on me and I’m GONE!” don’t be so sure. I would have said the same thing, AND if I had, I would have completely destroyed my family, lost my very best friend and never known the kind of love that I have found on the other side. So, I am ALWAYS open to comments and concerns. I think that free and open communications lead to greater understanding and learning. But, if you only want to bash and hate without constructive thought or inquiry, I would truly appreciate you keeping your comments to yourself.

Blog Post-7-17-2016-To Hell and Back-The Descent (2)

Your Silence is Deafening

Blog Post-4-30-2016-Your Silence is Deafening

What did I do?
What did I say?
Why won’t you talk to me?
Why did you just go away?

Not a word,
Not a sign,
I’ve heard nothing from you,
For a very long time.

I don’t know what I said,
I don’t know what I did,
To deserve this silence.
Will you ever speak to me again?

I miss our interaction.
I miss your strong command.
I want to hear from you.
I’m confused and very sad.

My heart aches,
My stomach churns,
My eyes well with tears,
Will you ever return?

Please tell me why.
Please explain.
Your silence is deafening,
And causing me pain.

Today, I am Lost

Blog Post-4-7-2016-Today, I am Lost

The grey washes over me like a torrential downpour in winter.
The heavy weights around my heart hold me immobile in my chair.
My mind is clouded with thoughts of dreams destroyed.
I mourn the loss of what never was and what will never be.
I know the sun will rise again, but today, I will live in the blackest of night.
Feeling the pain, hurt and loss course through me like a burning poison.
Today, I am lost.

Shattered

How could this happen?
How could this be?
You were always to be there
To safely catch me.

Yet, here I am
All battered and broken
By actions left undone
And words left unspoken.

When I needed you most
You were nowhere around.
So I lay here all shattered
Upon the hard ground.

You say you will fix
What you’ve done again.
But this time my Dear,
I’m afraid I won’t mend.

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